Dear motoXmom
Forgiveness. I think it's probably the flip side of self-acceptance. And both so hard to reach and only likely come about after working through all the emotional turmoil. Sigh....I wish the journey was somehow easier.
I can understand your feelings of confusion, anger, hurt, etc; especially since you also lost your a-mom suddenly and unexpectedly and that you keep receiving such conflicting responses from your b-mom. I can relate to the incredible frustration and anger that may be going through you - trying to sift through so many confusing replies. It sounds like your b-mom is just plain unable, whether for emotional reasons or otherwise, to provide you with a true answer - and that's what can especially be difficult. Coming to terms that she won't or can't provide you with the 'answers' that you're seeking. If it were me, I guess I'd be left with a whole buncha 'why' questions.
I recommend the book by Eveylyn Burns Robinson, "Adoption and Recovery" - while her recommendations are mainly aimed at birth moms, her point that addressing our grief and allowing ourselves to mourn are key in being able to integrate the losses that are a part of adoption. Many of us, regardless of our adoption and reunion circumstances, have so many buried hurts that never really got the opportunity to be fully acknowledged/heard. By doing emotional recovery work, by grieving, we somehow let our emotions, and ourselves, reach a level of self-acceptance.
I'm still grappling with a lot of very, very painful emotions, but I do notice that by doing all this grief work, it does help somehow. It ain't easy, but I recognise that a greater sense of peace and hopefully, forgiveness, will eventually come. I've spoken with one of the post-adoption resource centers here and I agree with their point that the core issues
http://www.adopting.org/silveroze/ht..._adoption.html
may never totally go away, no matter what we find about our birth pasts or the relationships that we do form post-reunion. We just find a way to somehow integrate our experiences/emotions. I hope this makes sense.
Big hugs to you in the meantime as you grapple with all the confusing info and emotions.