I can understand some of what you are feeling, and I think they are very natural feelings to have. It's difficult to think about your life being so seperate from your b sibs. You all grew up not knowing eachother, and now you have these relationships. You get together, or talk and it's like "you are my family, but I'm just getting to know you". It's a difficult position to be in.
I am a little confused as to you saying your b mom doesn't really seem to know how many children she had???? Maybe I was reading it wrong. You say that you are having a hard time forgiving her. Maybe she hasn't fully opened up to you about what her life was really like. She may have been so lost in her own life that it all just got away from her.
I have been in a reunion with b sibs for about 9months. One older full sib and 3 younger half sibs. I have mixed feelings about it as well. On one hand I feel bad that the full sib was kept and I wasn't. Then sometimes I feel guilty that I was given up and the full sib was left in a situation being raised by a man who fathered three other half siblings, but was never fully accepted by him.
I have had feelings that run all over the place from anger to guilt, and sympathy and understanding. Now that I know more about the position my b mom was in I am more accepting about it. She just was in no position to raise me. She could barely raise the one she had. There are so many reasons that we are placed with other families, and no matter how much information we are given, we may never fully understand what our mothers truely went through.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Hopefully the future will bring you some needed answers and some peace of mind. Hang in there.
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