[motoXmom]

I've been here off and on for a year or two. I've posted a few times but usually only read (lurk LOL).

I have a question but I do NOT want to come off as bashing anyone.
So here goes...
When I found my Bmom I found out I have about 5-7 Bbrothers. Great right well not really. First I get confusing info on them. Such as first a couple of them are "full" (Same father)bbrothers, then all are your "full" bbrothers, to none are your "full" bbrothers. I have their names and the reason why I'm not sure how many I have is because a couple of them have very similar names. Like the first and middle names are switched around so I'm not sure if it's the same brother or if it's 2 separate brothers. My bmom doesn't seem to really know. She seems to- I guess Want to be very open but I'm not sure if she really doesn't remember or isn't telling me the truth on purpose.
The "forgiving" part of this is I want to be able to let go of the fact she gave up so many kids. One after another with me being the last one to be given up. She did go on to have 2 more girls that she kept right after me. They are my half Sisters. They are 2 of the most Wonderful people you would ever want to meet! I'm having such a painful time trying to I guess let go of the fact she gave up so many of us- again one after another then kept the last two. I want to let go of the hard feelings I have but don't know how. Because I don't think someone could be tricked or forced THAT many times and not know what they're doing.
I keep reading stories about how bad the bmoms feel that they Had to give up their babies but then I keep thinking about mine. After the first couple of times you go through it wouldn't you say to yourself enough is enough and take the steps not to get pregnant in the first place?! Again I do not mean this to Bash or Hurt anyone who has given up a child. Sometimes reading bmoms stories on how they didn't know any better and they were lied to or the baby was about ripped from their arms I actually get mad. Thinking that is not true for all bmoms. I hate the fact I get so upset. Please if YOU are a Bmom and reading this I don't mean to hurt you or say you are lying on how you feel or what/ how it happened in your situation. I just don't think I've read a story from a bmom actually saying I wasn't lied to and they didn't rip my baby from my arms, I willingly gave up my child/children and I knew what I was doing each and every time (if it was more than once) I gave one up. I always see there was lying, deception, and they were told to just get on with their lives, someone else made all the decisions for them and so on. I've never read a story where the bmom said well I was a party animal in those days and well things just happened and I just didn't feel like being a mom.
I really hope all of this is making sense. But probably not! My mind is so scattered in what seems to be a Million different directions.

ETA :Thank You for taking the time to read this. I know it's really long but I just hate feeling all this anger and want to get past it. Thanks for any help/thoughts you can give.