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Originally Posted by FireMedic428
All my life I have been depressed and felt meaningless to this world that I live in
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You are SO not alone with this. I am nearing 38 and have, myself, spent my entire life feeling as if I were on the outside looking in. I feel as if I am not worthy of any happiness, I am nobody and that is the way it is meant to be.
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Originally Posted by FireMedic428
"Your feeling sorry for yourself".
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I don't mean to sound so glum. I have come to terms with it and have improved my attitude in some areas, but in the end, I am alone. There is my bfamily - who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family. Then there is the afamily who has lived, suffered, endured, etc. with their family...and then there is me - floating somewhere in between and not truly belonging with either family.
In my entire life, I have personally known two people who were adopted and didn't know any birth relatives growing up. They have had issues (none of which they would ever DREAM of discussing - that's all part of my stick-your-head-in-the-sand afamily, that I, as an adoptee can recognize, but are issues that are completely hidden from the non adoptee.
There is no possible way they can understand. They have had the security of their bfamily with them their entire lives. Even if the family was broken - divorce or what have you, they have had at LEAST one biological family member that they could relate to. We never had that. In our most "formative years"....which is what....birth to 3 years of age?....we didn't have that connection with ANYONE. Then, from 4 to what.....10 years? We are comparing our differences with those around us and trying to understand where THEY end and we begin. For adoptees, the gap between where they end and we begin is enormous. They don't even intertwine. Then in our teen years, when we are miserable, just because we are hormonal teens, we are completely set apart from everyone AGAIN.
A smile does hurt, Tim. Why? Because we put on that smile, in a feeble attempt to be accepted by, and a part of the family and the society that we were dropped into one day.
It is not us. We are merely trying to be accepted into the fold SOMEWHERE....and in the process we painfully smile in the hopes that someone will accept us....
When our birthmothers and birthfamilies send us away (for whatever their reasons) when we are just innocent infants, is it any wonder that we struggle with connecting, and struggle with succeeding and struggle with something so simple as "smiling"??????
Raina