[ripples]

This might sound really weird, but I feel guilty regarding my birth family. Guilty that they had a miserable, poverty-stricken life while I had better conditions (loving adoptive family, educational, travel and career opportunities, etc). While they were struggling to just plain survive and avoid starvation, I was probably off spending my weekly allowance on dolls and comic books. A part of me feels as if it's up to me to make up for their rotten pasts. I feel regret that despite my earlier attempts to track down my birth family, I was unable to - and my birth parents died so young. I wish that I had been able to meet them all sooner, to soothe their pain, to bring a faint ray of sunshine or hope in their miserable, pain-ridden lives.

I'm about to embark on my first return visit to Taiwan since having met some of my birth siblings last November. And I'm really nervous about how I'll fare emotionally - I'm nervous that my pain and guilt will resurface, that my birth sister's envy will rear its ugly head again (when we first met, she expressed about 10 times that I was the luckiest of all of the siblings). My birth sister is one of the most angry, bitter, bossy and envy-ridden people I know of and lashes out in the most unpredictable ways.

While rationally I know that our respective lives were not 'my fault', I still feel so ****ed guilty. I recognise in my head that my b-sister's personality, comments and behaviour are more about her than about me. Nonetheless, I still feel so vulnerable and afraid to meet her. Altho' I'll be in Taiwan again soon, I don't feel ready to take on all the emotional roller coaster with my birth siblings so have not told them yet that I'll be in town. I am aware that in reunion, emotions can run high amongst all family members and that it's best to go as slow as the slowest person. However, my b-siblings just don't seem to think that way and don't exhibit much sensitivity (eg. even 'tho I've told them not to phone me late at night/early in the morning, they still do).

Can anyone relate to my feelings of guilt, regret and intrepidation? How have you dealt with your feelings of guilt? I welcome any advice/sharing of your experiences, particularly as I'll be heading back to Taiwan in a few weeks.