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Ashbre,
As to the immediate problems: The mother can't just show up when she feels like it for a supervised visit. These must be scheduled with you and the schedule must be confirmed through your agency. Any deviation from that schedule is a violation of supervised visitation, including lateness by more than 20 minutes. If the mother resists supervision, that is, tries to take the child out of your earshot or sight, that is a violation. If her conversation is inappropriate, for example, telling the child not to listen to you or "dissing" your role as caretaker, that is a violation. Every visit should be documented: date, scheduled time, actual time, general content, specifics on anything inappropriate. Too many violations or even if the visits just seem too tense to benefit the children, and you should insist that visitation be supervised by the agency at the agency.
As for the father showing up, next time call 911 IMMEDIATELY and record make, model and license plate number of the car used. This is a protective issue. You don't have to (and shouldn't!!) jeopardize your own safety by trying to get him to leave or telling him the police are on their way yourself. He already knows he is violating a court order.
As to the overall situation: You sound like a caring woman with a big heart but you already know that you can't raise those children safely in the same house with your husband enabling their mother. Something bad will happen. You know you are going to have to make a choice.
If you separate or divorce, you may not have the legal tie of kinship but you do have a pre-existing relationship and attachment that puts you way ahead of strangers.
OTOH, it almost sounds as if this family is so entangled that the problems may well continue even if you try to disengage from your SD and DH. No doubt, these people are toxic to these children, and it may be in their best interest to be as far away and cut off from them as possible. I don't know, but it's something to think about.
We, too, are in a kinship-type situation but the parents are states away (for now, anyway) and no one in the extended family enables them in this way. If we had the kind of interference and boundary-breaking you're talking about even at the very beginning, I would have strongly considered leaving our niece in the loving care of her foster family instead.
You have some heart-wrenching decisions ahead of you. Please know our good wishes are with you.
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