I expected that people knew my story by now...I'm active on these boards to a fault. And, it's in my signature line...well, it used to be more detailed....M2GRLC hit the nail almost right on the head.
In addition to placing my dd at age 3.5, she then abandoned her incredibly devoted husband and all 3 remaining younger boys at christmas last year. This bmom has had a hellish life. She herself aged out of the fostercare system, had been horribly sexually abused for years by her own father prior to that and after all this, has, in my opinion, Reactive Attachment Disorder. Which is why she won't allow herself to become intimately attached. How much closer of an attachment is there, than a parent child relationship?? It WAS too much to handle. Her own issues, created my childs issues, and in her own words in writing, she explained with more complexity, that indeed, she couldn't be A's mom any longer, she simply couldn't handle her. CPS told her this, her therapist agreed. My dd had incredible obstacles to overcome, ones that nearly did me in...and I wasn't dealing with emotional issues like the bmom was. And I know that her bmom will let her down emotionally, and has already since placement,(due to bmom's RAD. ..) if she has normal-high expectations of their current and future relationship. It was not meant to cut S down in anyway. A knows that the heart toughness is SPECIFIC to the job of being a parent, and being married. This is not a criticism, but a SIMPLE fact to explain to a 4 yr old, "why after 3.5 .yrs did she give me away?" I adore the bmom as a 'lil sister in my heart, and I always will. BUT, for her, the decision was made in self preservation. There was no tearful hug and kiss goodbye, she handed her to my husband in the parking lot of a gas station along with one small box of belongings. Because she was distancing herself.
A also knows that is the reason why bmom wants ZERO direct contact with A at this time....I explained again when she asked me If she'd ever see S again, and why we have to wait so long till we do. Her heart would break all over again to say goodbye another time, and she can't handle that (heart not tough enough). Not so much the complete truth, but how else do I explain Reactive Attachment Disorder to a 4-5 yr old???
I am sorry I offended you, it IS the truth in my scenario, as it is in many private older child placements. My child is off the charts brilliant and was completely controlling, because S wsn't tough enough to be in charge due to her own emotional issues. Please go to
www.radzebra.org and look at the characteristics of RAD.... it is in it's simplest form "someone whose heart has been damaged so badly, that it isn't tough enough to handle intimate relationships." Now, S isn't recieving help healing, and likely never will (another characteristic of RAD) which means, there will be no reunion filled with joy and closeness, she will remain distant and run when things get too close for comfort. I simply adjusted my child's expectations to a more likely reality, and gave her a reason that would help her guard her own heart against pain, one she can understand, and feel empathy for the bmom with.
It makes the rejection sting less when she understands why she's being rejected and that it has nothing to do with her. S doesn't even send Christmas or b-day cards much to the dismay of my dd...who waits for the mail, hoping this time her heart is tough enough.
We have contact via email currently, but bmom has our names/addresses and phone numbers and knows the door is open to her. She just doesn't use it much....
In a domestic infant adoption, my response would be much different...but that hasn't been MY experience, this one has.
And, BTW, you didn't upset me with your post, the tone of my reply is calm and matter-of-fact...please don't take it another way. I understand, you didn't know my story. If you feel there's a better explaination for a 4-5 yr old in this situation, please let me know!