[ess922]

Have to respectfully disagree with a few points made here.

Yes, the lawyer's job is 'just' to help the adoption take place legally. However, their views on adoption (specifically their views on birthparents in general) can very well inform how they accomplish that goal. I was not suggesting that the lawyer should provide counseling or other birthparent services -- rather that they believe in their importance and can/do recommend counseling for all, that they explain its importance to a pre-adoptive family, that they make frequent referrals to the appropriate professionals and resources in the community who can provide counseling and can be more helpful to birthparents and attentive to their needs.

I believe that any adoption professional should view all members of the triad sympathetically (not sure thats the right word i'm looking for)... meaning private adoption is not a typical litigation issue. the two "sides" are not adversaries. it should not be portrayed as an us (adoptive parent) vs. them (birthparents) situation. these are all people coming together for what happens to be very emotionally fraught legal transaction in order to benefit the life of a child. Conveying and practicing with sensitivity to the needs of all parties in adoption is not asking too much -- even from a lawyer -- whose training is generally not in the realm of being considerate of "the other side."

The situation where an attorney and agency advised you against 'allowing' the child to be discharged and go home with his birthparents is a perfect example. Yes, they were all trying to protect YOU and gave advice intended to insure that the adoption take place. Yes, thats what you would 'want' them to say in theory. But in practice, it still seems unethical. What would adoption be like if professionals in that situation said something like, "It may be very difficult for you to watch this happen. I do need to let you know that there is definately a risk that the potential-birthparents will change their mind after having the child go home with them. But, this may be the only time they ever get to spend alone with their birthchild. And they may need to say a proper hello to the child before they are fully prepared to say goodbye. At the end of this time, if the placement happens, you will know without a doubt that this is what the birthparents truly felt was best for the child and for themselves. This will give you tremendous peace of mind and will mean a lot to the child to know h/she had this special time with his/her birthparents." What if then, the professional helped you and the p-birthparents through that time by providing regular check-ins, made sure everyone was receiving independent counseling from an appropriate source (not someone who is invested in the adoption taking place), etc. Unless the p-birthparent's circumstances would endanger the child, I don't see why this should be discouraged. And as long as adoptive parents continue to 'allow' adoption professionals to work with an us vs. them attitude and consider practicing in this way 'doing their job,' cases like this will be the norm. Many hopeful adoptive families would have been too frightened to ignore their attorney/agency's advice in the way that you did. There are a lot of other elements to this particular situation and a lot of other ways it could be handled better to protect the adoptive family's interests as well as the p-birthparents and the childs'. It would be an interesting separate topic and I'd love to hear what other a-parents and b-parents feel about it...

But not to take away from OP, the question was what to ask a lawyer and I still do maintain that asking their views on working with sensitive issues and their views of all members of the triad are important factors!

As far as the fees, I was not suggesting the lawyer not get paid for services rendered. The fee I am referring to is an added on fee on top of the basic legal fee that the family would have already paid covering all the work completed. And this is a fee per potential-birthmother. So, if a family has been "matched" lets say for 2 months and the adoption falls through, they have already paid for all the legal work done during that time and then receive a bill for an additional amount. If they "match" again with another potential birthparent, they have to repay the legal fee all over again. Not sure why this is reasonable. Certain fees, yes, if things have to be done again and that is someone's time/labor okay, but a portion of those fees should be "rolled" over to another situation. JMHO.

Finally I do agree that you need to be comfortable with the adoption professional you hire. That is paramount. It would just also be nice if the professional is someone with whom the potential birthparents can also feel comfortable for however much contact they may need to have until/unless the p-birthparent is referred for separate legal representation from someone else.

Originally Posted by tobeafamily

Ess,

These are good questions. I'd caution anyone though to decide based on them. Lawyers are not agencies. They're lawyers. Just like you would not ask an agency social worker how many times they've argued a case where an adoption was being challenged, Iwould not ask an attonrey their views on breast feeding and rooming in.

As such, there are many fine, qualified and respected attorneys who don't offer counseling, who don't provide birthparent services, who do strictly the legal aspects of adotpion - TPR, petition for legal guardianship w/ intent to adopt, petition to adopt.

To me, an unethical attorney will not provide you with a fee schedule. They will say they've filed paperwork that they have not. They'll tell you they can 'cover' illegal facilitator charges as 'birthmom expenses' in court so you can 'get around' a law. They'll tell you they have a pbmom who wants to place with you but only 'if you can pay a fee'.

As for charging you for services performed when the adoption fails, it's good to understand what all the fees you're being charged are and when they're being charged to you/assessed. If indeed papers had already been prepared before placement failed, then yes I'd say they did the time, they're entitled to the fee. Doctor's don't say we won't charge you for your IVF because you didn't have a baby, do they? So why should other professionals be required to do this or be considered 'unethical' if they don't?

My experience with attorneys is that most are very good at arguing or representing any view. Ultimately though their job is to be your adversary. They're also here to advise you based on their experience - which may not match your desires but may very well be good advice anyway. Not all advice is what we'd like to hear.

For instance, our attorney cautioned us very strongly against allowing our child to be discharged from the hospital and go home with his biological parents. Very strongly. As did our agency, though being counselors they had a 'softer' tone to it. Was that unethical? No. He was doing his job. Which was to counsel us on how to reach our goal of adopting this child. His job was to make sure that we understood the magnitude of risk we were undertaking and advise us not to do this. We did it anyway, and it worked out, and he did his job.

So, no, I don't agree that an attorney has to share your views about adoption. A good one has done many of them, and yeah, when you're in this business you can get cynical over time. Because they see a *lot* more than you do. For me, being a good attorney means that you've seen and done a lot, have performed your professional services for which you are licensed and trained without blemish and without fail, and they provide you with the best advice their experience has to offer - whether you like what they have to say or not.

Lastly, I will say this - it is important that you are comfortable working with your attorney as well as other professionals in your adoption. You're going to have these people in your life during some very stressful, turbulent times. So that really DOES count - if you don't like them (we did not like our TX attorney very much) it makes things less pleasant than if you do (We adored our VA attorney and our agency).

JMHO

Regina