[tobeafamily]

First, congratulations on your new addition!

What stands out for me in your post is the mention of substance abuse. Understand that a woman who uses during pregnancy - especially late in pregnancy - is likely deep in the throes of addiction. It's one thing to use before you realize you're pregnant, then stop. It's another to use late in pregnancy.

Addicts (and I say this from personal experience) can be very manipulative, dishonest, controlling, self-focused individuals. They're very good at getting what they need, and use every tactic they can think of. On top of it, this woman is still experiencing postpartum hormonal changes, a very tough time.

So here's what I recommend: Set very firm, unyieling limits. Do not do anything 'just this once' no matter how critical the situation may seem. Utilities being turned off? Getting evicted? In jail and can't make bond? These are the choices addicts make.

You don't need to be angry or negative about it. Instead be detached. "I'm sorry to hear that's happened. What are you going to do to solve that? Oh, we're not able to send anything now, sorry." Keep communicating, but it's OK to say "I'm happy to talk with you about how things are going, and how "Ann" is doing. She's just started to roll over, isn't that neat?"

Understand that once she (and bdad if he's also using) realizes that you're not going to 'help' her anymore (and it may get ugly before she realizes this), she may not be in as frequent contact as you experience with your older child's bmom. Do make sure you keep up your agreements - send pictures, etc. Also keep in contact with your child's extended family, absolutely.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Be patient, firm, set those boundaries and keep them. It's OK to say no visits if you're high - we will turn around and leave or ask you to go. It's OK to say let's ease up on visits since every time you come you're so upset about other things that you can't seem to enjoy spending time with us.

Addicts can and do get clean (again, personal experience), though it's heartbreaking when they don't. Remember though that one day - think in 6 or 7 years - your child may very well need the relationship you're nurturing now. It's very easy in early childhood to discount the value of the relationship vs. the work because in this period of life, you really are meeting all your child's physicial, emotional, social and financial needs. So it comes as a bit of a shock (and a quandry for some) years later when that's no longer true.

Best of luck,

Regina