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Okay, so I was a little more brave today and opened up a bit more to my b aunt in an email. We are having a get together next weekend and I am having a bit of anxiety about it....feeling overwhelmed. I told her this and she questioned me as to why....was it her....was it the rest of the family??? I told her it was not anyone, but rather, the situation and just feeling overcome with many feelings lately.
Here's the story. About 10 months ago, I was off to my first meeting with b aunt and b brother. At the time it had not been confirmed that we were a match, but we had a good hunch. I was suppose to be meeting the neighbors at Caribou, and when I wasn't there one of my friends told all where I was and what I was doing. Another friend at the coffee, was also adopted. And another asked her if she ever had the desire to find her b mom. She said "not really". After the coffee one of the friends (who is really into geneology) went on the internet and within 20 minutes found this friends b mom and that she was looking for her daughter. 2 hours later they were talking on the phone and sending photos of one another via email. My b mom passed away about 8 months before I was reunited with other b family. While I was thrilled for my friend, and I was thrilled to meet b brother and b aunt, I was devestated that I would never meet my b mom.
I had always dreamed that one day we would meet and all would be just as it should be. That the first Mother's Day and my first birthday after the reunion would be the best. On Mother's Day this year I planted Roses in memory of the mom I would never meet. And on my birhtday last week I sat and talked to the roses. My friend who has a bday 2 days before mine was talking about how her b mom sent her a beautiful message and that they would be spending a week together in July. Am I happy for her? Absolutly. Am I a bit bitter? Yes.
I am so lucky, however, to have this birth aunt to talk to. She never judges and always has something to say to make me feel better. As I stated earlier I always regret saying these things to her when I am done, but I just wanted her to know where I am at right now. That all these "firsts" after a reunion have been so difficult. She says she is glad that I feel I can open up to her. I just need to get over the hump here.
Sorry if a bit long winded, but needed to be said. Thanks!
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