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Manni - I don't WANT to get back with ex necissarily.....that's a far away thought - I just wanted to bring it up on my thread so you can all 'see' what's going on in my head, and truely paint you all the picture of all the obsticles that I'm facing - that's all - again I'm not married......he's my ex-husband. Disfunctual yes, but comparing to alchoholics/drug abusers and such is a lot harsher than what the reality would be for this child......but resentment could be one of those, and that's what I fear if he should choose to parent I'm afraid I'll resent not only him but my child, because I won't think it's best for my baby, and it's not 'giving' me what I need to mentally/emotionally heal and become comfortable with my life again. What I need to heal most from still is my divorce. We were highschool sweethearts....parents at 18 and 19 married at 20, and had a very 'fairy tale' outside bubble life. And what I mean by that is from the outside looking in we were 'perfect' and had it all.....healthy children, nice big house, great community, private education for our children (well oldest) I was a stay at home, and his business was thriving......but behind it all there were issues.....we got divorced for many reasons...none of which were because of my pregnancy.....I just need to make that clear. Before I could consider a relationship in my future I need to establish myself as an individual and stron woman first, I jumped into my relationship with my bfriend very early, and despite all those who warned me it was too soon, I thought I could handle it.....I couldn't/can't and then to add pregnancy on top of it threw me over the edge. I just don't want to resent my baby....I'm not a bad mother......and I'm afraid of what it might do to me.....and then on top of that the parenting relationship that the bfather and I would have from there I fear would be a 'mess' and our child would 'suffer' from it. I know that no matter what decision we choose our child will feel loss, there's no doubt about that......but I'm 'trying' to think of the path that would the least 'painful' for my child (and yes I know I'd be going into it blindly-no one knows the future) I truely feel as though at the end of the day I could 'live' with my decision being adoption, verses trying to 'struggle' to keep it together for my kids, my newborn, my job.....etc........I don't want to turn into that type of person.......Does this make sense?
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