[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by gottahavehope

Hi all: I am feeling really stressed and sad today. We are in an open adoption. Last week, our birthmother called and said she needed her distance because things are still really new and it was hard. We were upset but we respected that. A few days later she called because she got a new job and wanted us to buy products from her that she now sells. I really didn't want to, but I felt like I had no right to deny her anything so I did. She didn't ask about the baby, so I asked if she wanted to hear about him. She said No, but she has been calling every day for one reason or another.

She calls at different hours and I always feel such pressure to drop everything to talk to her. Today, she called but I was feeding the baby and my husband was not home so I didn't answer. It was the first time I did this since the baby has been home with us (about a month) She called my husband's cell frantic. He called me and told me to call her. She was hysterical saying that when she couldn't get a hold of me she thought something terrible had happened. She also said that she was afraid the baby would forget her. I assured her that he was doing great and that we wanted an open situation and so there was no way he would ever forget her.

She did admit that she was jealous and sad and angry about everything although in the next breath she says she knows she made the right decision. I ended up getting really upset on the phone because I felt so bad for her. We both ended up crying.

I finally got her and myself to calm down and we talked. I told her how important it was that we both be healthy for our son's sake. She asked if she could come visit at the end of the month because she will already be in our neighborhood visiting someone else. We are suppose to be on vacation with family at a wedding down south. I had to say no. She was devestated. I felt so guilty I thought about calling my family and telling them I couldn't be in the wedding. But, we are going to see her the following month for our son's blessing that we have asked her to be a part of. I'm not sure she understood though.

I ended up calling her sister later on to let her know that I think she needed some extra support. Her sister told me that she (our son's birthmother) was not going to counseling like she promised. She had stolen money from her, she was making really bad decisions, and not dealing with her grief at all. She was just feeling anger and rage at everyone because her life was not what she wanted it to be.

I just feel horrible. Her phone calls are so important but they leave me so shaken. My heart races and I get so upset. After our last call, I had to ask my husband to come home and I gave him our son because I was so emotional and I didn't want the baby to pick up on it.

In the end, I finally called her back and said that we both needed to be healthy to make sure the baby was being put first. I told her that I was in counseling and I really wanted her to be as well. I also said that we had to establish some boundaries. I said we would set a date each week to talk for the next few weeks until things calm down. I said that I was nervous about always having the phone on me for fear of missing her and it was stressing me out, and I didn't think it was healthy for her to be frantic when she couldn't get a hold of me. She agreeded, but I have a feeling she wasn't happy about it.

I feel terrible? Do you think I am terrible for doing that? I want this relationship to work so badly. I promised her, and I mean it, I will never close the adoption. I guess what I was hoping you could all tell me is DOES IT GET EASIER? I know that it is so new and we have all these emotions. I just can't imagine it being this raw forever. I can't imagine that the jealousy she feels, the guilt I feel, and the saddness we both feel is going to be good for our son.

Please help.....

peace,
K

I do believe you did the right thing, to set some boundaries. You are still available to her on a weekly basis but you are also able to find some normal rhythm to your life with your newborn.

Although it is your responsibility to be a part of maintaining an open and honest relationship with your child's first mother, you are NOT responsible for her post-partum care. As you said, she needs to see a counselor to work through some of her struggles, which I by no means wish to minimize. It has to be hard to go through the placement of a child. But, you are not a counselor (unless you are and even then, you are too close to the situation) and therefore don't have the skills to cope with helping her work through each and every issue. It isn't healthy for her or you or the baby.

I think it is important though, in the times that you do spend talking to her to give her your full attention and to listen, to be available to her needs. It does sound like you care deeply for her so I have no fear that in the time available together, you will do that. She may need reassurance that you will continue the open relationship without constant contact. But that will take time to build trust and understanding together on how your relationship will work.

Whatever you do, you should not feel guilty for needing boundaries. You are doing the thing she asked you to and that is to provide a safe and loving home for her child.

Does it get easier??? Tough question... it depends is all I can say. I call it the "bittersweet" and it is a part of our adoption journey with both our kiddos. We know that the first parents of our children are hurting, at some times more than others. We NEVER want to forget that, ever, ever, ever. But we also know that we have the sweet privilege of being parents to these precious kids, a privilege that was bestowed upon us by their first families. Sadness is a part of the relationship but as you work it out, I hope that the joy of seeing your child being raised well, will be there for both of you...