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Please remember that this firstmom is barely post-partum. Those first 8 weeks or so after birth are IN-tense. Intense, adoption or no adoption. With or without counseling it's going to take time for her to sort certain things out within herself. My best guess at why she is calling for other reasons but doesn't appear to want to hear updates on the baby- A) She may be in some denial at this point. Losing your child to adoption (I'm sorry to say) is a grieving process, sometimes one that is much like grieving a death. Denial is a stage in that process. B) She is so intent on having a good relationship with you that she is initiating conversations that seem like ones normal friends would have. And so as to not freak you out about "wanting the baby back" she is talking about everything but the baby. Please know that this is probably a terrifying time for her. I remember the first few weeks after my son's relinquishment how off I felt, how I felt like no one could possibly understand how I felt, how happy and sad I felt at the same time, how alone I felt, how fearful I felt about my future role in my son's life. Although jealousy may be a *part* of the equation, it is probably a small fraction, along with sadness, fear, etc....... I see so much in your post that reminds me of how my son's PAPs probably felt about me at one point. If they had utilized a bit more understanding.........I don't know, but I'm hoping you will utilize this understanding with your child's firstmom.
Although things may very well "calm down" a bit in a few weeks, I don't know that shutting her out and setting up strict "boundaries" is the very best thing right now. While I agree boundaries need to exist in ANY relationship, if you promised you would be there for her ANY time, then I would hope you would honor that commitment. Especially right now. Which is not to say that you should cancel your wedding plans, you shouldn't. But maybe let her know that if you are unable to pick up her phone call you will call her back as soon as you get a chance. Just like you would ANY other friend who is going through a major crisis or change in her life.
The fact that she "thought something terrible had happened" when you didn't pick up the phone is a huge clue that she cares VERY much about what is happening with the baby.
I know a lot of people won't agree with this, and I am certainly not telling you what you SHOULD do, just what I wish might have been done for me in the same situation. It is not to say you should "kiss her butt" or that what is going on with her is any more important than you and your life, but she is hurting, even if she doesn't realize it yet. Don't shut her out too much, please.....
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