As far as....."My son says she will never be able to accept me as her "mother." That is a very honest statement for a child to make....I'd be interested to hear how old your son is. I just want to share that a few years ago I began fostering an 8 year old girl and a 9 year old boy, we adopted them last year at ages 10 and 11. It definitely was not an easy transition. Our children had to learn how to live with a new family, with new rules, and new foods, and new everything. B/C of neglect and institution living, they had to be taught everything from social norms to how to use a knife to cut meat. There were difficulties in school and behavior. There were tons of tantrums and lots of lying. We had no language barriers, but there were some cultural and "life-style choice"(hygeine, sleep, habits, hobbies, movies, etc) issues we had to contend with.Here we are over 3 years later, and the outcome is interesting. On the negative side, there is dd, the younger of the 2. She has had a harder time adjusting to her new life, and I do not know that she will ever "accept" me as her mom. She calls me mom.....and she has never said, "you're not my mom," but we do not have a mother/daughter relationship. Most days I do not even think she likes me. She is complex and difficult. On the other hand, my ds, the older one, has "crossed over" if you will. He treats me like a mom, sometimes even hugs me before going to school....which is cute, since he is now 12 1/2. He is truly a great kid! (And dd has her days, too.
I attribute alot of the difference to the fact that ds always wanted to be adopted...and dd wanted to live it out in the institution (since it was "easier" for her emotionally to live somewhere where she did not have to attach...and then be disappointed and hurt by someone). Do you know how this little girl feels about being adopted by you? I'm glad you acknowledge that it is tough for her too. I am sure it is. These older children are very well aware of their losses, and most look forward to the gains. Have you been keeping in touch with her?
I love my older children. They are a great asset to my family...both of them....difficulties and all. I am so glad that we were able to make a family with these 2 children....however...it is difficult...I won't lie...as all adoptions are....just in a slightly different way. Instead of poopy diapers and night time feedings, you may have emotional outbursts, tantrums, and therapy. (From even the "well-behaved child" since adjusting to new situations is difficult for most people.) After adopting my 2 older children, a newborn baby, and soon little eli, I have to say HONESTLY, I probably will not adopt an older child again....but I think it has less to do with the stress and difficulties and more to do with birth order. (everyone has their own strong opinions on this issue....we happen to side with the "pro" side...to each his own
I am sorry that this process is taking so long for you. It always seems that it is harder to adopt the older children.....which seems so backwards. It was easier for us to adopt our little baby than it was our older sibling set. These children deserve love and stability just as much as little babies, and yet they continue to be caught up in red tape....even in the U.S. My encouragement to you would be to keep at it. I think that in the end you will be happy that you saw it to the end. But whatever you decide to do, good luck to you and your family. If you have any questions about older kid adoptions.....feel free to pm me.