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I am SO sorry I didn't see this post before today. I hope you are still looking for advice, Aray.
From my birthmother, I have two older sisters. I have known these two sisters for 16 years now - off and on, from a long distance apart physically. There is no way we could possibly be as close as if we were raised together. There is just too much separate history between us.
I just found my birthfather a year ago, along with learning of all HIS children. I am still getting to know some of them. Others seem very reluctant to meet me. They have the opportunity for contact, but have not chosen to go forward with it.
While I have a "history" with my afamily (and there is a connection for that reason alone - "history"), I was raised in a superficial, "let's pretend we are a perfect family on the surface" situation. The one thing I am greatful for, where my adoption is concerned, is that I had the opportunity to "get to know and create a history with" another family.
BUT.....
As much as I care for (and have a history with) my afamily, I ache each and every day of my life that I wasn't there to endure the heartache and suffering, united as one, with my bio family.
You are going through some very stressful times right now, and it is perfectly natural to be reacting to the external influences that are affecting you. But that doesn't mean that you don't subconsciously have a connection with the child you are carrying and it doesn't mean that that child doesn't take comfort in your voice, your heartbeat, your every step, and your soothing rhythmical sleep.
Judging from your post, you are a very loving individual who only wants the best for your family. You want to be there for them, through the good times and the bad. Don't think less of your unborn child. No matter what may come, that child will have the recognition, security and comfort of your love, no matter how difficult things become. And, in loving situations as yours, that goes so much farther than "I wanted more for you."
This is my experience alone, but something I feel very deeply about.
If you would like to PM me, please feel free to do so and feel free to ask ANY questions. You are doing a balancing act right now, and I don't want to sway your opinions one way or the other (although, please forgive me, as I'm sure my 37 years of "adoptee opinion" spilled out in my post). I just want to help you make an informed choice - for you, your unborn child, and all of your children and family.
Huggs to you and your family and your precious children whom you so obviously deeply love.
Raina
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