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In adoption, especially stepparent adoption, it is not what is best for the family when it comes to decisions such as these, it is what is best for the child. If your daughter is truly opposed to changing her last name, then why bother? If she is comfortable with still having a different last name, then let it be. Afterall, you could always have it changed later on if she decides on it. Counseling is an excellent way to find out the reasons that your daughter has to being opposed to changing her name.
Perhaps she is afraid of being teased at school for changing her name. Maybe she just likes the way one sounds over the other, whatever her reasons are, she has a right to feel them, and she should at this point, have some say on what she will be writing at the top of her school papers everyday. She has had a long time to get used to her name as it is now, that is a large adjustment for a child to make, and just because you feel that five years is enough time to get used to it, does not mean that your daughter feels the same way as well.
You cannot put a time limit on adjustment, for yourself or anyone else. Just as you cannot say how long is appropriate to grieve the loss of a person, you cannot know how long it will take for her to grieve the lost of her last name, of the past, of herself as she has identified with for as long as she can remember. If and when she is ready to change her last name, should be when her last name is changed.
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