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We're in the same boat. The disparaging attitude toward and lack of support for relatives all around is disgraceful. Even on these boards, you will run across a strong anti-family bias and prejudice. It is hard to understand, so personally I've stopped trying and just do the best I can.
You need to get proactive and stop letting this be something that "happens" to you and your family.
Get licensed, become a "real" foster parent. It will only benefit you and the children for you to have these classes. They will also clue you in to the services (yes, even a one-year-old may need theraplay or attachment therapy) and benefits the children should be receiving. If your child has been denied fc benefits because you are related and not licensed, it will open those doors.
Learn your state's statutes and foster care policies backwards and forwards. Some of this you will get in the fc classes, but you need to learn faster. This is not hard. It is all on the internet--start with your state's website and the National Clearinghouse on Children etc., even just google "State of Oregon foster care policy" or fc procedure or something similar. Don't depend on word-of-mouth advice from ANYONE, esp. the caseworkers. Check it out at the source.
As another poster said, ASK ASK ASK for services. If your child has a Medicaid card, you may be able to just go ahead and schedule medical and dental appointments and therapy as well. Don't expect that the agency has done ANYTHING itself to take care of this child--ours came to us after four months in another fh with multiple medical issues that had gone unnoticed and untreated (she couldn't hear!!!), hadn't seen a dentist in two years and hadn't been screened for certain conditions that had been in the birth home.
You may need to get a lawyer at some point. For sure, if you decide to adopt. The agency may try hard to get you to take guardianship or custody instead to save them the time and trouble of doing a TPR. Be aware that these statuses can put you, your family and the children at risk for a childhood of costly litigation over visitation, medical and educational authority, etc. and take away your children's Title IV-E eligibility for Medicaid, services and subsidy. It is a cheap way for states to dump special needs kids on emotionally vulnerable, responsible, totally unresourced and legally unprotected relatives.
Our experience has not been easy. The cw is basically well intentioned, but she works for a director who only sees the bottom line and an old-fashioned notion of family and children's (lack of) rights. Legitimacy as a foster parent and real information are your best allies even if you are working with a progressive agency. Good luck.
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