[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by Isabo

I am confused as to why you broke your agreement with him to meet him at the picnic. Having in-laws in town does not sound like much of a reason. Yes, he missed a picnic to attend his own wedding. Its very unfortunate he didn't or couldn't schedule that differently. However, his next promised picnic meeting was canceled by you, in violation of your agreement. Please remember that adoptive parents have ALL OF THE POWER when it comes to scheduling visits - and bparents are painfully aware of that. So, your failure to invite him to the agreed yearly meeting may have been a blow to him - I don't know. I know you have offered him other visits, and I can only guess that he is not taking you up on the visits because of the reasons I have already mentioned. .

Yes, we missed this year's picnic, but I don't feel we breach our oral contact with him, if anything, he breached it first. It's not as if we didn't visit and he doesn't have any of our contact information. In fact, he has our email address, our home address and our hone phone numbers. He has many letters from us, asking him to visit, come down and see where she lives. Five years worth of letters.

He has never given us the impression that HE wants to pursue this relationship. It was always me doing all the contacting.

To be honest, we were so dismayed that he missed last year's picnic and we feel he wouldn't have let us know he wasn't going to go, unless my dh contacted him to see if he would make it. We felt as if he was blowing us off. This past year, we when dh's mother and father came to town. They only visit once a year, they didn't plan the trip until early May, and came the first week of June, which is when the picnic is. We couldn't tell them, no we can't see you on Sunday because we might have a visit with dd bfather. They already do not support our open adoptions. Telling them we couldn't be here for their visit would have made thing harder for us. Also, dd was looking forward to seeing her grandmother and pop-pop. She loves them and enjoys spending time with them. To turn down dd grandparents visit for dd bfather might be visit, did not seem right to us.

I think this man is telling us he wants to be left alone. We have given him every opportunity to reach out to us. I am always telling him to please call in his Christmas card. He knows he can visit at any time, yet he never makes any effort.

My fear is that I will chase him, try to keep him in this relationships, when he really doesn't want any part of it. He did not like our dd mother. He was upset with her for placing. He says our dd looks like her. I don't want to push him to have a relationship with dd. It's not fair to my dd either. He needs to step up and say what he wants. He is saying and doing nothing, which leads me to believe, he wants nothing.

I'm starting to feel, 5 years into this, that I am forcing him to do this. I will not force him any longer. He can contact us, when he is ready. He might not have told his new wife about dd either.

I will send his yearly update and pictures at Christmas, write in there that we were unable to attend the picnic this year due to dh family being in town, and say that we hope to see him at next year's picnic or sooner if he wants to visit.

Just because we have open adoptions, does not mean that "we" the aparents have to do all the work. The other parties need to let us know, yes we want to visit or no, we don't. It's not fair to lay it all on us and expect us to keep offering our child to them, when they show no sign of wanting to see the child.

Open adoption does not make me more liable them him, even if I do have all the power, as some seem to think. I feel powerless in this position to keep a relationship going between dd and her bfather, when he doesn't make the effort.

Again, we have not shut our door on him, he has our contact information. He's been told over and over again, if you want to visit just call. What more are we supposed to do?