[heartbeat]

I swear, I can say what I mean in my head, but as it's headed to the paper something is lost. I re-read this thread, along with my own post, and I saw what to me looks like a terrible statement unless you're me and fully understand it.

I wrote:

That's it. That's my family. So after my dad passed away I realized I really had no 'safety net' to fall back on for a place to live or finances.

That could be taken as if someone to rescue me if I screwed up was the most important thing. Not what I meant. I simply meant that my life - with holidays, vacations, those rare chats when everything just clicks, those inside jokes that only my family could laugh about - that life has changed in ways that I couldn't comprehend. When it fully hit me that dad was gone and my family now consisted of a few people with a very thin bond from 50 years ago, I felt about as warm, loved and snuggly as a lone star in a stark, frigid, winter night sky. I explored the effect that their passing would have on my future, remembering years past and watching each full-screen, technicolor memory slowly recede, losing color and clarity until it winked out. The blackness that remained represented my future, at least my future with, adopted or not, my family. It's hard to fully appreciate that that unit of people who comprise over 50% of the memories which make up my life, no longer exists. Just like when someone important to us dies and we're amazed that the world just calmly goes about it's business while we want to scream out, 'Don't you people get it?! The world has changed! Have some respect!" A part of me and how I define myself is gone, my security in my world view has changed. All is NOT right with the world. Suddenly it hit me with terrifying clarity - mom and dad are gone, who will take care of me?! Comfort me when I'm scared or hurting? Figuratively rock me in their arms, saying, "shh there there, it'll be alright." I kind of felt abandoned and lost. I also had to face that there were no more 'do-overs'. The life we'd had together was what it was, no childish wishing on birthday candles has a chance of changing it now.

I don't know if I've been able to convey what I felt. Parents are the big guy who steps between us and that bully, the world. My brain had already processed feelings and memories when I wrote that post, and talking about not having a safety net is what it all boiled down to for me. The people who tried to save me from the world were gone, and I had to face it alone, with no backup.

I'd be interested in how those of you who have lost both parents feel or felt if you want to share that. Darnit, now my head hurts and I'm all crying and sniffling.

Warmly, heartbeat