[mallory4]

Since my oldest dd's most famous rage episode ever--a four hour doozy--started because I peeled her apple the "wrong way", I can empathize. There was a year or so in her preschool years where it seemed these outbursts were a near daily event.

I also resisted "rewarding" bad behavior by giving her cuddles or trying to comfort her when she lost it. I tried everything else--time out, ignoring her, giving her more control over other things even though she already had tons, posting notes to myself all over the house that said things like "She is not out to destroy my life. Take a deep breath" etc.

Anyway, what finally worked was when I went ahead and started cuddling her and holding her when she had an episode. The time it took her to calm down got quicker and quicker the more I did this, and she almost always fell asleep in my arms, even if only for a few moments.
Eventually, I learned to head the rages off at the pass by offering cuddles before she got to that point, and that often worked.

You said that you have noticed her manipulating situations to get more special time with you, and that adds to your fear that comforting her, etc., will lead to more episodes. That is totally understandable, yet it might also be the case that she is manipulating to get something she really needs.

Or, it could be that the manipulating is just her regular way of behaving given her history, and as a completely seperate issue, physical comforting will help her end her rages sooner.

What if the answer to "How can I help end these rages?" is cuddling and rocking AND the answer to the question "Am I being manipulated into rocking and cuddling her?" is yes? In that case you would have to consider what means the most to you, or what will be best for her in the longrun-- whether you want to help with the rages or be unmanipulated (if that is even a word). Her therapist, old or new, may have some suggestion about which would be best for her--I can see that for some kids, it may be more important to learn that people won't always be manipulated into doing what you want, and for other kids, it may be better to overlook the way she is asking for what she needs and to focus on giving it to her.

My dd did not have the challenges yours has to deal with in terms of trauma or PTSD, she had neurological problems because of exposure to a neurotoxin and she really needed physical ways of centering herself and regulating her stimulation level--she really needed the physicality of cuddling and rocking, and so it really did the trick. I think if there was a cuddling and rocking machine, it would have worked almost as well--she wasn't trying to manipulate me emotionally so much as she was doing what her body did when it was shorted out and couldn't get back to normal. The rocking and the pressure of being held, along with comforting words, let her relax and get back to being herself in a way that just couldn't happen if I ignored her or gave her consequences.

My fear that she would "use" my new technique to get out of trouble when she was in trouble, or that it would lead to more bad behavior, did not come to pass--if anything, her mood and behavior both improved.

My dd is 12 now and will come and ask for cuddles about three or four times a week, instead of several times per day. I can often predict when it is going to be, knowing by now what situations are hard for her to handle--and ironically, all the things that make her into a bundle of anxiety in need of cuddles are also things she loves to do and never tries to get out of doing, like going to a party, or watching too much tv. Although I sometimes get frustrated that she doesn't even have the "sense" to avoid the things that wind her up, I am also very aware that she is at an age where if I don't give her cuddles, there will soon be someone else who is more than willing to--so I am glad she can come to me and ask for them flat out.

I hope you find something to help you and your dd. I remember those screaming fits and it was adrenaline city--not a good place to be. Hang in there!