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Originally Posted by Jessreplanted
Hi Everyone,
I will try to keep a long story short. I am here for support and advice from others who have experience with adoption.
My husband and I received a phone call from someone we knew asking us if we would like a baby through adoption - she had been helping a pregnant woman find an adoptive family. Initially we were thrilled. We have begun the legal process (through a lawyer) and will have our first home study interview tomorrow. This past week has been difficult though. We found out that the birthmother wants to have a paternity test (we knew that part) and that if the father is her previous boyfriend, she intends to keep the baby. We almost backed out of this situation when we were told this, but then decided that we had already made a commitment to this child. This morning we were told that the birthmother is picking out names for the baby - which is very upsetting, because our lawyer told us that we would be naming the baby, and we already have names picked. I am beyond overwhelmed at this point. The birth mother is due this week.. and I just don't know what to expect. Any advice?
Thanks,
Jess
*edited to add that the birthmom also suggested to the lawyer that it would be nice if we wanted to give her some $.
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It does sound like you are quite overwhelmed with it all and understandably so as things are moving fast.
One thing I learned in the process of adopting our two children is that if at all possible, waiting adoptive parents need to make decisions, knowing that the expecting mother/parents (that is what they are until they make the decision to place) are the parents of the baby until they say otherwise. It is hard for those of us waiting to adopt not to start thinking/planning like the child is ours before it really is. But I guarantee that it will be easier in the long run if you can focus on you and let things happen.
Now, that doesn't mean let someone take advantage of you. I have adopted in a province where $$ aren't an issue...there are no supports given to expecting parents considering adoption directly by waiting parents hoping to adopt. So I can't speak to that except to say, if it were me, this would be concerning.
And it is completely in the expecting mother's rights to want to parent her child and you have to make the decision whether or not you are willing to risk this possibility and stay in this relationship. It is just a risk of adoption that we have to face.
As for the naming, I have found it a very healing and bonding experience to name the child with his/her first parents. Naming has always been important to me as well, but I have found that the names given our children, because they reflect their place in the lives of their birth family have significant meaning to me. If this is unacceptable to agree on names together, know that the expecting mom has every right to name her child and so do you, when the right time comes and if this child is placed with you.
It's a tough place to be... I hope that everything works out for the best...