I'm no expert, but I have been through a couple of tough times with one of my "home grown" sons and I know how obsessive the mind gets in these circumstances. When someone is wanting acceptance of behaviours that you find unacceptable, to try and work out what you can do for the person being unacceptable is a 24/7 problem. But......until they are willing to take some responsibility for their behaviour there is nothing you can do. Nothing....nada.....nil....zero!!!!! There has to be a need to change - a will to want better - at least one small step towards recovery- and of course, they need support from those they love. Most professionals will tell you that they hurt those they love the most - and I agree with that completely.
You say you would like to pull back? I agree with you - we all need to set out own pace, and if this is too much for you at this time, tell him....take a step back....and stay there until you are able to handle the situation or until he shows a real willingness to be rational. You are his birthmom, but there is another woman out there who is his Mom. How does he relate to her? Is he supported by family? He is not your responsibility (he is an adult), and what he does as a 25+ yr old is not your immediate problem. It is his - to deal with, and to sort.
Harsh words.....but honest. Be strong. I understand how you feel he is yours (I think all birthmothers feel that) but his problems are not yours - they are of his making and so are his responsibility. You want a connection (right? ) not a complication. Set your boundaries and stick to them as firmly as you can.
Most importantly, don't make him your responsibility - he needs to be resonsible for self first.
I feel for you Jannyroo - it must be so difficult finally being able to know your young man, and finding him in this situation. Reunion is so stressful at the best of times. Your emotions and thoughts are all over the place and will be for a while yet. I was bouncing off the walls for months. I saw reunion as a way to right my No.1 wrong and the energy expended was huge. I didn't sleep well, couldn't concentrate, and like you wondered if I could ever get my old life back. But....eventually it all settled down..and I'm sure yours will too with help from your therapist and friends. Look after yourself first. Make yourself the priority and be kind to yourself instead of beating yourself up for placing him or / being dissapointed now / or not being able to "fix" his problems.
Keep posting - it helps - and there will always be someone here who can understand what you are going through and offer support. We have walked the walk - know how hard it is, and can understand your pain.
Regards
Ann
