[LoveThemAll]

My husband and I adopted five children out of foster care. Through talking with professionals, reading books and attending trainings, we learned innumerable ways to encourage the attachment of our children, whose ages now range from 8 to 16.

Talking to a professional is always a good idea, especially if some of the child’s behavior might be harmful to themselves or others, and books are a wonderful resource. But attachment work itself doesn’t have to be complicated. It is simply about monitoring and enhancing the relationship with your child while working around limitations brought on by the circumstances they came from. It takes some creativity, but you can apply the same basic principles to your seven year old that you are using with your baby. Any activity you can come up with that helps you get and maintain eye contact, introduce safe physical touch without creating alarm, and provide consistent nurturance will naturally increase the attachment of an older child as well as a younger one. It even works on adults. )



Keep your eyes and ears open for opportunities and get ready to use your imagination! Don’t overlook the little things: You can provide consistent nurturance by eating meals together and at the same time every day, you can give safe physical touch by applying lotion to her hands and face or doing her hair, and you can inspire that treasured eye contact by making telescopes out of toilet paper tubes. (In fact, I have toilet paper tubes to thank for most of the attachment progress made with my youngest.)



Don’t be afraid to try out some of your gut feelings… allowing a six year old to drink from a baby bottle while rocking him to sleep might have appeared to be a practice in severe behavioral digression, but it was the inspiration my son needed to allow me to hold him. He began to look at me while he drank, then was able to be rocked without the bottle. Eventually, he was satisfied with watching me rock his younger brother. While I rocked, I explained what things would have been like if we had met earlier. This brought a deep satisfaction not just to my children, but to me as well. Another non-traditional thing I have done is allow my children to have food in their bedrooms; nothing else could convince them as effectively that they would not be allowed to go hungry. I just set limits - the food had to be kept in a sealed plastic container, and had to be somewhat nonperishable. As their trust grew, the need for the boxes disappeared.



My kids have come a long way and are as normal as any other child out there. But back to the “limitations brought on by the circumstances they came from…” It is important to remember that attachment problems are not something that ever really goes away. Like other deep wounds, despite being closed and healed over, what these children have experienced leaves a mark – though it is not always seen, it is always there.



Good luck and God bless you in the journey with the unique and precious person that has become your child.



PS: I recommend these two books by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky. You can also search for more resources on Amazon.com by entering “attachment disorder.” (Check your local library for the titles to save the expense and irritation of purchasing ones you don’t find helpful.)



Adopting the Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow