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Originally Posted By louise

in my experience this can be one of the more difficult areas to navigate in older child adoption. I consider over the age of eighteen months older and I do believe that every adopted person, at some point in their lives and regardless of age at time of placement, will process their adoption and the emotions that surface. That said, the almost unending grief that exists within those adopted at later age can be overwhelming. Much of the acting out, the ODD, ADHD like behaviour, lying and stealing is, in part, I believe grieving. As children recover and heal in loving consistent enviornments, that grief can lay dormant only to rear again at an unexpected time. A change in seasons, an anniversary, a flashback. I have come to understand , that while I can assist my children in the healing process, I cannot fully eliminate the pain. I can listen and empathise but cannot fully understand their life experience. In allowing them to both own and experience their grief, I have helped free each of them to embrace their present life and remember past lives. Acknowlegement of pain and sadness can be affirming. Coexisting with pain, even as we celebrate milestones with our children, can be validating for those children. Dealing with our conflict of recognizing the importance of first families, even those families illequiped to parent, is affirming for our children and their existence in our world. Meeting that grief means, in some way, grieving ourselves and living in two worlds, the world of joy and the other world, pain. Just as our children do.