[almostember]

i agree. boundaries are key. we were VERY close to our friend (and birthmother) and ultimately decided that we were TOO CLOSE to proceed with the adoption. we worried about going through exactly the sort of thing you're going through now, and i must tell you that i'm sitting here feeling like an idiot because i rather think the baby was and is worth the headaches! but that is neither here nor there now. what i did want to say is that when you are talking with her and she has an "episode"... and then you all have to take a break for a while... just remind her that she chose you guys because you had a stable family, you're stability lovers, and that's what she felt was best for her child. so in order to maintain your stability you're going to have to set boundaries. if you all had been strangers, this may have been naturally accepted by her, but sense you were closer than usual, she is probably going to take natural and sensible boundaries as though they are a PERSONAL AFFRONT. that's the trouble with the close relationship. but it's worth it of course. just be firm and remind her that SHE CHOSE YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE A STABLE LIFE and she trusted you enough to believe that you would continue to have a stable life. remind her that you know she is grieving but that you are going to honor her choice by giving her what she wanted from you: a stable family life for her child. tell her you will NOT let the understandable emotions get in the way of your pledge to her. stability is THE REASON she entrusted her child to you. honor that and you honor her. truly.