[mom2GRLC]

Well basically I wrote them a letter. I wanted to explain every reason why I felt I had to close it, but realized that would just cause more pain, besides they knew what the issues had been along the way, because I had shared with them my feelings along the way. Instead i wrote them a letter about a page long just exlpaining that i couldn't do it anymore. Telling them I didn't blame them or myself because I knew we all did the best we could but under the circumstances None of us could provide the postive relationship our daughter needed because we each had our own feelings to deal with before we could be there to support her or each other like we should in a relationship like this. I told them i would answer any questions they had within the next month and then the next time they would hear from me would be each year around her birthday when i sent them a package with updates and pictures and maybe some home video.

Remarkably they said they understood why i had to do this and didn't really give me much resistance or guilt or anything. Just expressed that while this would be very painful for them they knew why I felt the way I did.

But, after that month was over i just couldn't leave it alone. I felt very strongly that I needed to at least offer them my friendship , i knew we weren't at the point we needed to be to involve my daughter in it but I wanted to leave the door open so maybe we could improve things.

Well, it turned out they were very frinedly and kind with my invitation and for once the birthmom was really coming out of her shell. We were able to talk about a lot of what we each were feeling and validate each others feelings. It was truly amazing(yet scary at the same time...wondering if she was just saying stuff....to get me to offer contact again but not really meaning it).

Then she moved back and we stopped talking as much(which was alos confusing for me)...mainly because her life became busier and she had less access to the computer, plus we were both going through a hard time with mothers day and stuff.

Well, then came time for my daughters ballet recital....which they previously were going to attend and then we said no more direct contact. But the closer it got the more I kept feeling strongly that they just had to be there. I couldn't live with myself if I kept them away from that special time in her life. I still am not commited to frequent contact or anything....I don't really have any plans for future visits at this point. I'll just take advantage of those promptings as I feel able to offer them.

So i may not be the best example of closing contact...lol because I just can't seem to close that door and keep it closed. Mainly because I do want it to work so badly. i do really love them and want them in our life. It's just hard to deal with all the emotions that come with it. But now that we are both willing to talk about it some we might actually have a chance this time around. Plus my husband and I were finally able to have an open talk about stuff and come to the decision together of how much involvement we feel comfortbale and what WE need to do to help keep it positive and beneficial for all of us.

What i would do is first tell them you are taking a break. Lay out your reasons(not in big detial...they can ask if they really want to know) then tell them what your plans are..(like how long the break will be...what that means....no visits, no calls, letters? pictures? etc). Then offer to answer any questions they might have within a certina period of time...doesn't have to be a monthy could be a week or whatever....just so they know your willing to talk and listen....and you do care about their feelings. Thenfollow through with what you said(the hardest part for me0. When that break is over then you can talk again and discuss more about the future.

I would be very careful not to do as I did. I mean when i wrote them I WAS confident that we would NEVER have direct contact again....until my daughter was grown. But the truth is....feelings change...as time goes by or people communicate better your feelings may change and it is much easier to recover from a "break" than "closing that door for the future". I mean I feel like the worst person in the world when it comes to consistancy...or "following through". Thankfully, they forgive me for my TEMPORARY INSANITY. They could care less how stupid i may feel for saying "NO" and then a few months later saying "ok". All they care is that they got to see her, they can still be a part of her life weven for just one more time. They know i can't make promises for the future and that we just have to take things one step at a time.