[jennifervan]

I feel like I have been pregnant for a year.

I want to write the following but please know that I know that there are those who have struggled with TTC and who have not been able to carry a baby. If you are reading this and you are someone who has experiences this loss, I am sorry. I cannot fathom the amount of pain you have had to experience. I have been blessed with the ability to compare both experiences. My heart hurts for those who have not had the opportunity to chose. We lost our chance to have more biological children after Tobie. So that being said:

For me, carrying and delivering a child was definately easier. My baby boys were with me from the moment they were concieved. I got to hold them right away. Even Tobie who lived 5 days was "mine" right away and I did not have to prove myself to anyone or wait for anyone to say we were an "o.k." family to adopt. I did not have to wait for a PGN investigation to clear them to come home. I did not have to cry over them (well except Tobie). I did not have to miss their first words and steps (except Tobie).

I would say that this adoption, other than losing Tobie, has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I would trade 10 hours of intense labor and all the back pain in the world for just 10 minutes with Gabby this month.
Jennifer