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You probably *should* talk to birthmom first - since it is an open adoption, I assume you are comfortable talking to her;
I think it's important that you not be put in a position of keeping a secret from your dd; not fair. If bmom and brother have their reasons for not telling the ten year old, you shouldn't compromise your belief in being honest with your dd.
There would be no harm in telling your daughter that she has another birthbrother, who lives far, far away, and she probably won't see him til they're both grown up.
I don't know how you'd explain to your 5 year old that this 10 year old boy doesn't know about her. At 5, she may not question that, but it will certainly come up later. That's a tough one.
Do you know why bmom is insistent on not telling the 10 year old? Seems odd when she is in an open relationship with you & your dd.
Babs
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