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Good luck. Regression is a normal expression of grief, esp for a 4-5 yr old. We made the agreement, that the ONLY direct correspondance between dd and bmom (for some time) would be thru letters (bmom's suggestion). This way it isn't so "in your face" dealing with the confusion of having 2 families. Explain to your son that the papers from the judge just say that YOU are in charge of him now, and that YOU make the decisions and that he'll follow YOUR rules now. That makes a difference in their ability to accept the adoption. It also re-inforces your position in his life and makes him less likely to be so confused or suckered in when/if bmom tries to co-parent (past says likely). Establish an extremely limited contact for the first 6 months to facilitate bonding with your family unit...then you may gradually increase contact as you feel ready. All in all, at 4 a letter that you read to him probably will be just enough SAFE contact. (he is displaying insecure and threatened behaviors). DD has expressed uneasyness at direct contact at this point even though she lived with S for her whole life prior to placement (at 3.5 yrs old).
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