Natalie, I understand how overwhelmed you are. I agree with the above responses... your son is terrified you are going to leave him. His life has been a series of losses and a constant struggle to survive. He isn't even sure WHAT he wants so he can't do a very good job of telling you what he wants.
The number one thing you have to remember is to relax, calm down, regroup. Believe me, I know how impossible this can be when a child comes unglued over seemingly insignificant things, and when so many responsibilities are pulling you in so many directions. But take a deep breath and approach your son with an attitude that says--no, that RADIATES--I am your mom. I will take care of you. I will make good choices for you. I will keep you safe. You cannot and will not push me away. I am *powerful* enough to keep you safe, so you can trust me.
Part of the power you must show your child is your calm in the face of his storms. Wear him in a sling as you have been as much as possible. Smile, talk to him, relax as much as is humanly possible when you are wearing a screaming kid! Lay him on your bed and give him cream baths. Climb in the tub with him and lay him on your tummy. Put him in bed with you and do the same... skin to skin. AND--buy Martha Welch's book "Holding Time" and read it through and through. OMIT the part about mom screaming at the kid (releasing her emotions) but read, understand and apply the part about holding through stress and anger and disregulation until you achieve resolution.
As hard as it will be, you must set aside ALL other responsibilities to the maximum extent you can, and make this little guy your number one project. You must be his ENTIRE world for awhile. If you can do this now, and if you can push past his defenses (and that sounds highly probable, given that he can be cuddly and stroke your face, etc.) you will reap untold dividends from this front-end investment.
I would be happy to talk to you on the phone if you like. Email me through the forum at
radblogs@adoptionmail.com, or personally at
nancy@radzebra.org.
Hang in there, you are absolutely on the right track, and you are absolutely normal in your response... anyone would be stressed out. Don't beat yourself up, but instead redirect that energy into being the best therapeutic mommy you can as much as you can.