[rilo kiley]

Shanay-
What an incredible story. That's kind of the dream I had as a young girl- that my bmother would be out there watching me- feeling proud of me. However, I agree with the others on delaying contact. I am a 28 year old adoptee who recently located my birth mother, we have sent a few letters and are now emailing- we're taking it slowly for the moment. I always knew I was adopted, always thought I'd like to find my bmother someday, and yet, if she had found me at 18 it would have been a lot to negotiate.

My own independence and identity I was continuing to form far from home away at college, my relationship with my aparents who were sad to see me go so far away and afraid of losing me to distance and new people, the partial homesickness of being so far away- and yet the excitement of creating a brand new life without anyone you meet knowing you or your family- if I had to balance all those things and the slew of new ones I'm just now discovering after making contact with my bmother- I would imagine something would have to suffer. I'm surprised by the reactions of my aparents, I think they had always had a huge fear I would be taken away from them, and made it pretty clear they were fearful of my search ever beginning. So I waited to begin the search until I felt was ready for any outcome. Secure in my relationship with my family, more stable in my life- and even now, it's threatening to my aparents. Even now they've said some hurtful things about my bmother that would've crushed me 10 years ago. Leveled me. But now I that I have gone through those late teen/early20's years with my parents where you pull away and define yourself and reconcile, I have a little more perspective, more security in my identity to deconstruct it all over again with all the new information I'm receiving.

Of course, I wanted nothing more at 18 than to meet my birthmother and have her see me close to the age she was when she had me. I was full of fantasy and hope and dreams of her looking into a mirror of herself at that age- I would've loved to know then that she thought about me- so who can say, I guess? Maybe meeting her 10 years ago would have shaped my life and identity in such a wonderful way, who can say? I do think waiting until she has established her own sense of self outside of her teen years could be very helpful for you both in building a relationship ahead. The other thing that was good about her not finding me- I had time to think about her- about adoption- outside of my aparents home where I always felt concerned they know how much I love them, if we talked about my adoption I'd see their eyes get wider and their need increase for my love and loyalty- so time away from home before contacting my bmother helped me to work through some feelings I couldn't nuture in my own home for fear of hurting my family.

I think Emily has a wonderful idea about scrapbooking or journaling- what a wonderful gift to give her. Right now I'm finding I have a million questions I want to bombard my bmother with, and if she had been creating a wealth of those feelings she had- journals, photos of her when she had me, journals from that time in her life, thoughts on birthdays of mine that went by- I would be so grateful. What a wonderful gift to give your child, your personal thoughts, photos, love, all created for her to puruse in her own time, in her own space, a keepsake she won't have to play 100 questions with you for, I am all for it. I wish I had something like that hold onto right now. Something tangible that someone took time and energy to put thought and love and honesty into.

On contacting her, I have also heard from other adoptee's that being "found" by a bparent is a very strange feeling- the not having a choice again- no choice in adoption and no choice in reunion. For some adoptee's being able to make the choice on their own and have control over the "finding" part is very important.

Best luck to you- what a beautiful and difficult situation you are in right now. My thoughts are with you.