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I know this sounds bad, but I honestly don't remember what I wrote. It was 17 years ago and frankly I don't remember too much of that first year. But I have other letters that I wrote when she was 2 years old. They never got sent because I had lost contact with the Amom. They are a little immature. My bdaughter has depression and is on medication. I don't know how she feels about me, being adopted, or if she wants a relationship with me at all. I finally found amom and she wrote a letter telling me of the depression and an overall update, but she didn't really tell me how my bdaughter feels about anything.
I used to think I had a great relationship with amom. I loved her when I met her before the birth of my bdaughter. She was so "together" and sweet. I wished that she could be my mom. I got a letter about twice a year with pictures. My last letter and picture was when she was 1 1/2. It took awhile for me to notice because I was only receiving them twice a year. So at first I didn't panic, I figured I would get one eventually. Then it got to be too long. I had always known their names, so I looked them up in a phone book to see if maybe they moved away. They were listed seperately. I called the agency to see if there was someway they could contact them and ask them to send something. The woman that dealt with our case was no longer there. The woman who took over wasn't familiar with the case and said she would have to look into it and that if it wasn't in writing, they were not required to keep in touch with me. I would be charged a $45 an hour fee for the research. I couln't afford it. Now, looking back, I should have done it. But at the time it looked dim, they stopped contact for some reason, could I really force them to start again?
I finally got the nerve to do it 14 years later and amom says it was me who dropped off the face of the earth. She says that I wrote her and told her that I was getting married and that I would write after the wedding. She never heard from me again.
The thing is, the letter I wrote her was in Feb. 1991. The last update I got was in July of 1990. I did tell her I was getting married, after all I had gotten pregnant again and I so desired this woman's respect. I didn't want her to think I was some loser who couldn't get her act together. (although looking back, I think I was trying to prove the opposite to myself) I had planned on getting married, but it never worked out. So why would I give her the impression that my wedding was right down the road and not to contact me until she heard from me again? As it was I was due for an update.
I think she felt threatened because I found her. There is so much more to this story, but as it is this post is pretty long and I feel like I'm ranting. The truth is that I want a relationship with my bdaughter. I am willing to go at whatever pace is needed. I would also love it if amom and I could work together to make it go smoothly. I know that reading this i may seem a little bitter toward her, but I was just thrown to hear that it was my fault I had been without contact all these years. I will get over it.
Thanks for listening,
Tonya
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