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Found at 18 By Bmom
Is she even curious about her origins?
If she is like me at that age, she goes through phases. At times, I was very curious. At other times, I almost forgot I was adopted.
What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
Again, in my case at thought I might want to do it someday, but not at 18. That’s the age when you’re ready to be free from being anyone’s child and go away to college—not to take on extra parents and the tons of emotional baggage which come with reunion.
I think if she wanted to meet you right now, she’d be registered on ISSR or another website, or, if her parents are an issue, she might do it when she goes away to college in the fall if she’s ready then. I have friends who wanted a reunion at that age, and they took steps to make it happen.
At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
Let me answer it this way:
My biological mother found me when I was 18. I was not ready for her, but I tried to accommodate her through phone and mail. She wanted much more than I wanted out of the relationship and I felt overwhelmed and pressured, so I cut her off. We have never had a consistent relationship. I have met her only once. I have not spoken to her for years.
My biological father made his name, address, and phone number available to me at that same time, but conveyed the message that I was still a child, I had no say in what happened when I was born, and therefore it was my decision if and when to reunite, not his. We met after I contacted him when I was in my early 30’s, and we are very close and spend time together frequently after 4 years in reunion.
His willingness to delay gratification paid off, if you will. I’m sure it was hard for him. He told me that at one point, when I was well into adulthood, he consciously gave up on ever meeting me.
Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I don’t think there’s a perfect time, but I think your daughter deserves to be an adult, done with her schooling and established in her career, with some life experience behind her. Otherwise, she won’t have that sense that “the world is grey, not black and white” to help her navigate the complexities of reunion. Even as close as my bdad and I are, it still is difficult and complicated sometimes, and I am very glad to be an adult while I’m dealing with it.
How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
I don’t think this one’s generalizable. My parents were very angry when my bmom called me. She had an intermediary contact them first, and they asked specifically for her to wait until I was home from college for the summer. She refused. I was mad at them, too, because they never warned me, and I was blindsided.
Now, they actually get on me sometimes about not giving her the relationship she wants. As for my bdad, they see him as less worthy somehow, which is due to societal brainwashing from the time period in which I was born, I’m sure. They accept my relationship with him. My mom talks about him when we’re alone sometimes. My dad—never.
I have friends who are adopted with many different parental reactions, from helping them search, insisting that they search, discouraging a reunion, allowing but not embracing a reunion, to forbidding a reunion.
Whatever you do, don't do what my bmom did and "demonize" her parents when you speak to her. Of course, I'm guessing by your post that you're way too perceptive for that!
Some suggestions so you don't go out of your mind waiting:
If an attorney handled your private adoption, see if he will keep a letter from you in a dated file. That way, your daughter won't doubt that you wanted to find her. I knew my bdad wanted to know me because his friends told me that he talked about me.
Then buy a gorgeous journal or scrapbook, and channel your energy into writing and putting things into it for her whenever you feel the urge to contact her prematurely.
Register on ISSR and any other forum you can find. Then wait. Keep track of her, and when she’s done with school, established in her career, and has lived on her own and worked long enough to establish a support network outside of her immediate family, go for it!
I think my bdad would tell you it’s worth the wait.
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