Hi-
I'm a 29 year old adoptee who reunited with my birth family in December 2005 (on the phone) and in person for the first time in Feb 2006. Here are my thoughts:
Is she even curious about her origins?
very. If she was like me. I ALWAYS knew I was adopted, and would ask random people if they knew my birth mom & dad. From the sounds of it, I grew up in a similar situation to your daughter- wonderful, loving environment. That has nothing to do with whether or not your daughter will want to search for you or not. Finding biological relatives is every child's birthright and was a constant curiosity for me. Everytime I was near the area where I was born, i would "search the faces". This was a little creepy considering it was NYC, and I must have looked like a psycho, but I wanted to make eye contact to see if I could find someone who resembled me. So my short answer is YES.
What are the chances she wants to meet her birth family?
Very good. When you are raised in an environment where no one around you can "mirror" you- either physically or emotionally, you feel a little out of sorts. Here's my example. One year at Xmas, it was my a-mom, aunt and cousin (female who's 5 years younger than me) and I. The three of them were in their own little world, almost telepathically speaking to each other. I didn't GET IT!!! Why are they all so giddy and laughing at each other when I'm just sitting back not understanding their body language or behavior? It wasn't until I met my own biological siblings and family members that I GOT IT! It is much easier to decipher the non-verbal communication and body language of those who are biologically similar to us than not. This doesn't make me sad that I don't have this connection with my a-mom, it just makes me understand things a little better. If your daughter is curious about finding other people who look physically liker her (that was my first motivation) then yes.
At 18, is she even old enough to deal with the emotional aspect of a reunion?
Personally, speaking from my own experience, knowing that everyone is different... NO!!!!!!!! NO NO NO! Sorry- I'm not trying to be harsh, just realistic. At 18, I was preparing to go away to college, dealing with separation problems with my parents while moving away, nervous about starting my new life in college (would I fit in?, would I be smart enough?), that there's no way I could have dealt with all the emotions that come during a reunion. And let me re-iterate that my reunion with my b-family has been FANTASTIC. Better than I could have ever imagined in my wildest dreams (I'm going down today after work for my 3rd visit- wish me luck!). I love all of them and they (6 siblings!!) all love me very much. So whether the reunion is good or bad, it will force your daughter to look at life differently. She will be amazed at her new life and so will you. Do I think you should stop keeping tabs on her, or updating her files in whatever way possible? NO. When she's a little older (21?) she will appreciate knowing that you have loved and cared for her all these years. I know I did.
Is there ever a “right time” to make contact?
I think so. For me, from age 21 on was when I really started to gather information. It's scary all around, but if you care enough about it, it will be worth the risk
How do most adoptive parents feel about reunions?
Like Nicole & Whitsunday said, everyone's reaction is different. My parents didn't want me to search until I was married in case the reunion didn't go the way I had wanted it. My a-mom asked that I wait until after I was married so she wouldn't have to "share me" with another mom at my wedding. If a-parents are mature, and want what's best for their daughter,then they will put their fears and insecurities aside for your daughter's sake.
Reunion is a very scary thing, and no two are alike, but I think it's necessary for all parties to heal. I wish you all the luck in the world. Whatever is supposed to happen, will. Take care, my friend.
