[MrsSmith]

Mom2,

I read a suggestion to check this thread out, and just read the four pages that have been written since yesterday.

I am an adoptee, and also an amom. My adoption was closed, my daughter's is open. We have had our share of difficulties with maintaining the openness of her adoption with both of her bparents, going back to before she was even born when we were discussing and writing the open adoption agreement we made with them. At that time, Emma's bmom wanted a situation that was much like "coparenting" - and a disclaimer here, I've only read this thread, I didn't go back and read your other posts regarding your situation elsewhere on the forum - and we have had to work diligently to set boundaries with her bmom.

This is a difficult, uncomfortable and even heartbreaking thing to do at times, as all human relationships can be. However, throughout the past almost three years since Emma was born, we have kept one thought above all others: We want to do what is in EMMA'S best interests. This means even when it makes us uncomfortable or upset or is difficult for us, personally. There have been times, frankly, when we have downright disliked Emma's bparents' actions or choices that they made in their lives. We have exhorted her bparents to do the same - to keep Emma's best interests a higher priority than their own wants or feelings. Sadly, in our case, bdad ended contact with us just before Emma's first birthday, though we hope that someday he will connect with us again. He just couldn't continue the relationship, and we have no choice but to respect that. Is that in Emma's best interest? We don't think so, but we can only do so much. We are humans, and by that very fact we are not infallible and are emotional beings. Emma's bparents are likewise fallible humans. Out of emotions, mistakes get made, not every idea we have is a good one, because of emotions, we are not perfect. Relationships take work and negotiation. The consequence of some of those mistakes, however, can be severe. Relationships can be destroyed by mistakes made out of emotional actions.

Likewise, you, your DH and your daughter's bparents are also human. You all have emotions. From what I hear, this situation is highly emotionally charged, both on bmom's side and on your and your DH's side. Clearly, boundaries need to be set and your utmost responsibility is to ensure the wellbeing of your daughter. I would offer to you only this piece of advice: Please take a step back and try to see beyond the emotions on both sides here before making any irrevocable decision. Others on this thread have suggested perhaps taking a break instead of closing the adoption until your daughter is 18. Why don't you try that - taking a step back but not definitively slamming the door forever? As an adoptee, I know I would most definitely have to hear a seriously strong reasoning behind my parents' decision to cease contact with my bmom, had my adoption ever been open to begin with. I'm talking safety and wellbeing reasons, here. I think almost anything else beyond that, most of which stem from those messy human emotions, must be worked through and strenuously, thoroughly considered from every last standpoint before such a momentous decision is made. Ask yourself the one question we always ask ourselves when dealing with a potential difficult situation in our own lives: How will we explain this to our daughter when she's old enough to understand, and what will she think? It isn't just ourselves we have to answer to, as adoptive parents, nor do we only have to answer to our child(ren)'s birth parents. We have to answer to our children above all.

I hope I've made some sense to you here. I know I get rather rambly.

ETA: As I was writing this, several other posts were done. Guess I took a long time to try to be coherent. I didn't intend to sound redundant with my post, sorry if it is in places due to the new responses that turned up as I was writing.