[mdiebel]

Heartbroknshorty... Your story sounds so very sad... and you have been carrying very heavy loads for a long time by yourself... you are in my thoughts.

I too am adopted, now fifty years old... and finally decided almost two years ago now to begin the search for my birth mom. I found her in Nov. 2004... and like you I didn't know what to expect... and was thinking the worst. It turns out she is a lovely 76 year old japanese woman who lives in Honolulu... and has been doing quite well. She even had her own business for many years in Los Angeles.

When you spoke about your life seeming "fake" I reflected on my own sense of life. I thought maybe you are fortunate to have this sense now, so young. The fakeness which I have lived with involves a sense of ... I'm not sure... it's almost a sense of unreality... that I have always been trying to live a real life and keep finding myself living "outside life", if that makes any sense. I keep working to get into reality.

I've been able to function all right... keep a job... my marriage and raise two boys... but reaching out to my birth story... what someone called CHAPTER ONE... has helped me feel more grounded. I've told people I feel like a member of the human race.

I do want to say that it is possible to live with this sense and even become productive and creative just in case you don't find that sense of reality right away.

I hope things come out well for you... as I said earlier, I'm thinking of you...

Mark