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In my experience with fostering kids I have come to realize that the tantrums and troubles often start when the child starts feeling comfortable at your home. I know it doesn't make sense but I think what happens is that they are becoming attatched to you and it is scaring them. Why? because they may have to leave again. Sounds like they have been moved from home to home and the more that happens the harder it is to get attached. My advice would be to be very rigid in your routines. we have a four year old foster daughter right now with many of those same issues. have you read anything on Reactive attatchment disorder? It would be great for you to understand what you are dealing with. I would recommend the book Building the bonds of attatchment, by Daniel A. Hughes. It helped me to understand why kids with RAD act like your older foster son, and it gives very good advice on how to react to them when they act out. Hopefully this helps.
As far as the question of whether you should pursue the adoption or not only you can make up your mind if you are prepared for the battles. I just want you to know there are no guarantees that you wouldn't have the same battles with bio children or maybe even some worse ones. Your fs is making it hard to get close because it scares him to get close. Please read that book and you will understand him much better. He probably isn't near as extreme as the case in the book but there is lots to learn about RAD. Hope this helps
coachmur
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