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There are many variations when you define 'closed or open adoption'. Closed can mean anything from knowing nothing at all about the birthmother, the baby's genetic background, the birthfather, or extended family. But, it can also mean that you would have the names of everyone, the health history, etc.........and even speak to the bioparents before or briefly after the baby is born; and then, nothing further.
Open adoption can mean everything from knowing the basic background of the baby, speaking with the bioparents and a few visits, photos, emails, phone calls up until the baby is born, or shortly thereafter, etc....to having all of the above for years to come, and/or including physical visits with the baby so many times per year or as determined by both parties.
There are as many bioparents who request a very open adoption, as there are that request a completely closed adoption. True, many agencies are making an open or at least semi-open arrangement a requirement for all. I find this disheartening, as we fully believe any open-ness should be determined by the parties involved; not some sw'er or agency who feels this is best for anyone. There is also the theory (which I do not believe is too off base)......that agencies now require this practice of everyone involved, in order to assure that their agency will stay open longer, have more birthmothers that are interested, etc. (The more letters, photos, and/or visits arranged by the agency, the more important it is that the agency remain with open doors, KWIM?)
Then, there are those bioparents who will request one type of adoption, and feel that after birth, they don't want contact, or more than letters/photos for a few years; or nothing at all. Sometimes, a very closed adoption, will turn into a very open adoption, because the parties involved find that they really want to maintain more open lines, etc.
Here's the bottom line, IMO. Research and decide just what kind of adoption you are wanting. What YOU feel comfortable with. In our adoptions, we cannot see us ever wanting a very open arrangement; soooo, we tell our agencies/ attorneys and would never want to be presented to bioparents who would want more 'open-ness'.
Be totally honest with yourself. Do NOT allow any agency/attorney to 'talk you into an arrangement you're not COMPLETELY comfortable with'. You must be honest with the bioparents, as well as yourselves.
There is nothing more disheartening than to see couples agree to something they have no intentions of 'carrying out'; OR, agreeing to an arrangement, only to find that it's obligatory, simply to 'get a baby'. Not good, not honest and not fair to anyone.
While an agency/attorney/facilitator may tell you, 'Well.....then you'll be certain to wait longer for your baby.' Don't believe this hype. Your baby will come when it's supposed to come; and being dishonest with yourselves and/or the bioparents assures bad policy from the start.
Research, ask, listen and decide. Don't believe all of the hype on a lot of boards about any one type of adoption. Decide what YOU feel is best for YOU....just as a bioparent will decide for them; and let the adoption be conducted in an ethical manner.
My best to you in whatever option you decide.
Sincerely,
Linny
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