[Kate'sMom2B]

We have raised my dh's nephew on and off for his first 4 years of life. Our nephew's bio dad, dh's brother, is deceased. Our nephew's mother has been in and out of drug rehab and now is at the point where the court is severing her rights. She is mentally unstable and has never proven to be capable of effective parenting (drunk driving with child, neglect, etc). I might add she also has 2 other daughters, by a different father, and has no custody but visitation is under the father's discretion.

However, now as severence is pretty certain by the court, she now says she is willing to voluntarily relinquish the child to us (he is currently living with us again), in the hopes she will be granted liberal visitation rights.

We will be having a meeting to discuss this in 2 weeks. We have 3 other adopted children who were adopted internationally, so open adoption is a new experience for us.

My question is, at his age (just turned 4), what do you think we should expect in terms of visitation? I am concerned because it almost seems like she wants to be a co-parent of sorts, and I think it's important that he learn that WE are his family. She keeps saying things like, "I will ALWAYS be his mother, nothing can change that." So she does feel threatened by this. And I guess I do too.

I believe she will be requesting monthly visitation after the adoption (she lives 5 hours drive away from us). I am thinking more like once a year? And what about contact? I know that she will want to call him frequently, probably once per week. Again, I am thinking much less frequently, maybe a few times a year on holidays or something?

So, while I know contact is important to him since he does have a bond with her, I also feel that for his sake he needs to realize we are his family and parents now. I am trying to decide what is in my nephew's best interest. Sometimes he becomes extremely angry and upset during and after her phone calls...attacking walls, hiding, screaming, hiding under a desk and crying, for instance.

Any advice or opinions appreciated (please be gentle!).