[lalgee]

I have always - as long as I can remember - been cold, hard, and very distant with everyone. I never related it to relinquishment, but now that i read everyone else's posts here, I realize it probably began at relinquishment. Of course, at such a young age at the time, it feels like I have been this way my whole life (I was 14).

I say all the time I don't have any friends. I have people who love me in spite of the "way I am", but I don't talk on the phone with them, I don't do things with them or go anywhere with them. I have a very hard time with showing affection, even to my other sons and husband. I feel like I have enclosed myself in this hard cold shell and I haven't been out of it in 22 years. If one of my friends and I have disagreements, I find it so easy to just shrug it off and go my separate way, even if it means never talking to them again. I don't find it hard to "give up" on relationships and just let them go. I can cut people off with no regret and never looking back.

I feel disingenuous if I show the least little bit of emotion about anything. Like, if I show any emotion or affection I seem to fear that someone is going to think I'm sappy or a cry-baby. My heart is so hard and cold.

By the way, I don't like being like this. It is very painful, and lonely. I have to go thru everything alone because I won't let anyone in or let anyone know I am hurting. I suppose this is because after relinquishment I was basically told (like most) to forget about it, don't talk about it, don't even think about it and don't tell anyone. To me, that said, "Suck it up, cry-baby, and get on with your life". So that is what I have done. I wasn't allowed to "feel" or process any of the emotions related to relinquishment. I was told to stuff it, so I always have.

I wish I weren't like this, it's very hard.