[NiNaLynn]

Originally Posted by BlasFemme

i am a korean american adoptee in seoul right now, have found my b-mom, graduated from college and trying to get a job here.
i have been sitting in my apartment wondering what i'm doing here in the first place.

it's strange- you dream about your b-parents your whole life. . . what they look like, if you have siblings, do they think of you as much as you think of them, did they want you, were you just a mistake, would they like you now. . .

i can't speak to my mother now and we sit across a dinner table staring at each other, knowing that there is a whole universe of person in the other that you have no access to, and all of a sudden, adoption gets so much more complicated.

sometimes i want to smash these dreams to pieces. remember being different your whole life. . . a korean in a white family? they always told you, "i don't see your race, i see you", and it was true until you realized that it wasn't? everybody always sees the korean ON you, the difference IN you. you were an american on the inside, but no one would let you be an american on the outside. . .

i came to korea and my face is korean, but my mind is american and i am scolded in every taxi ride. .. how is it that i can look so much like these people but get intensely stared at in the subway stations and wherever i go? here, no one will let me forget that i'm different, but yell at me for it like it's my fault.

i think to myself: they are lucky i don't speak korean because i would make them feel like the biggest piece of crap, but other times, i forgive their ignorance.

last year, i was here and met a woman who had worked with many korean adoptees. she told me, "when i met you, i knew you were an adoptee because you have the look in your eye. adoptees are the lonliest people on the planet."

anyone relate?

i don't really know why i'm posting this. .. i just felt compelled while sitting in this random pc bong.
i've read a lot of posts where adoptees are just posting what they feel or have experienced, and some people have the audacity to tell them that they should feel differently.

if you have struggled the adopko struggle, remember that you are unique and beautiful, and make the world that way, too.

Hey!

I wouldn't go as far as saying adoptees are the loniest people on the planet. I'm also an Amerasian-1/2 Korean & 1/2 American. I was born in Soule, Korea 35 years ago. I've never been back, I've always wanted to though. I wanted to find at least my birth mother but I was unsure of my feelings so I never did.

As far as the Korean population looking at you strange, I was told that over there in Korea they don't like "mixed breeds". That's part of the reason I was put up for adoption. My birth father was an American GI & my birth mother was ful Korean which made me a mixed breed. They said if my birth mother never gave me away they would of either killed me or made me fight in the armed forces even as a little child. For that, I'm thankful.

I often wonder who my biological parents are. That for me will never change. I made the best out of my life & try to stay on the positive side. If not, I'll live a life of misery & discontent. All you really need to know is that you are loved! By your adopted parents, your friends, your biological parents (yes, they loved you so much that they wanted you to have a GREAT life so they made that extremely hard desicion to put you up for adoption) most importantly you are loved by GOD!!
NiNa- This is my birth name- it means little one in Korea