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Sainttj -
I have two biological children and one adopted child. It took me a long time to be able to admit this, but the love I feel for my biological children is different than the love I feel for my adopted daughter.
Now, let me explain a few things. My adopted daughter has RAD, she is unable to reciprocate any love I give her. So my feelings really have nothing to do with the fact that she is adopted, but everything to do with how she interacts with me.
I felt very guilty about this for the longest time, but I have finally accepted that I probably will never love her the same. But I will always take care of her and provide for her. As far as she knows, I feel the same. My actions are no different to any of my children.
It goes back to the "fake it" philosophy. You can fake it and the feelings may never come. However, you must continue to fake it. It isn't the fault of the child if you don't click and therefore you owe the child all that you can give. You MUST fake it.
And one day you will realize that you do love your child. I love my daughter, but its not the same emotional intensity as my other two children. But I do love her. When someone hurts her at school, I get the protective fighting mother instincts. When she gets sick, I get the nurturing instincts. One day, something will happen and you will think "thats love". It may be different than you are used to thinking about love, but thats ok. Different isn't bad.
Its ok to feel like he is driving you crazy. He is. My daughter does. She makes me the craziest of anybody on this earth. And there are times I resent her for it. But I fake it.
I guess what I'm saying is, don't beat yourself up. You can't make yourself feel something you don't. But for the sake of the child you must fake it.
Lorraine
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