[heartened]

Scarlet,

I "get this" from a different side - an adoptee hoping like heck I won't screw up my new relationship with my bio siblings. God, those first calls with my sisters J and R were so scary, I was so afraid I'd say/do the wrong thing.

So I told them that I was afraid and why.

It is hard to become angry at someone who shows you how vulnerable they are.

One thing I'm learning late in life is that people are NOT mind readers. If you aren't honest about your motivations and intentions - honest in a way other people can understand and connect with, I mean - people will ascribe any number of motivations and intentions to your actions, and in the end, completely misinterpret you.

Doing this is probably particularly hard for first moms. The shroud of secrecy and shame can be hard to get through. I suspect that your child's mom has her own fears, her own concerns, her own scared-to-death moments - maybe she'd welcome knowing she isn't the only one. She might be just as scared as you are, for different reasons. How much closer might the two of you become if you could both feel safe saying "here is what I'm scared of," thus giving each other a chance to reassure the other.

Perhaps the next time you write you could say something like:
"I'm going to go out on a bit of a limb here and share something with you because I want to make sure you have some insight into where I'm at right now. I'm scared. I'm afraid of saying or doing "the wrong thing." I'm afraid that I'll say or do something which will cause you to not want to have contact with me. I'm sure I will work through these fears but, in the meantime, could you please be patient with me? I'm wondering if maybe you have similar feelings and, if so, can we make an agreement between us that if we are ever hurt or offended or shocked by something the other says, we'll talk about it and try to find some clarity? Do you think that could work for us?"

Maybe this isn't totally appropriate in your situation, I don't know because I've not been in it. But I do know that in each instance where I've approached a situation in this manner, the relationship has grown stronger - and when bumps in the road pop up (and they do), we both feel commited to talking about it instead of reacting with irrevocable consequences.

Sending many hugs and much support your way!