[Adee]

Wow, I never anticipated so many replies, and so thorough – patient with me, too. I'll try to address everyone is a single post so I take up less space.

Originally Posted by new mommy

This board has opened my eyes a bit on the subject. One poster wrote something to the effect that you owe it to your child. Guess I agree with that. While we may have thought we would be uncomfortable with an open adoption, our DS deserves to know what he can about his bio family. We owe it to him to have a semi-open adoption.

All that to say, I personally think its okay to be uncomfortable with the idea of a very open adoption and not everyone here will be critical of you if you do not agree to have one. It is possible to have a closed or semi-open adoption. But, IMHO your child will have questions that he/she deserves answers to and you owe it to him/her to get over your discomfort and work out a viable arrangement with the bmom.

I agree, it's not fair for the child to know nothing of his history. Don't laugh at me too much, but I first realised that whilst watching a Lois & Clark episode in the '90s on the telly. Clark was frustrated about not knowing where he came from and wondered about it all the time. I'd hate for my child to go through the same agony.

I'll find a solution where everyone is happy. As you say, I owe it to my child. Besides, my feelings are probably just nerves about how I'll appear to new people. I'll get over it. Thanks for sharing your experience!

Originally Posted by FH-SchmennaLeigh

If that level of contact isn't desired by the adoptive family, don't match with an expectant Mother that desires that level of contact. I believe that's what a large majority of the 'beef' that you're talking about occurs with; when a family matches with an Expectant Mother and they both have vastly different ideas of what they want their adoption to be like. Be honest and up front with your intention and then, most likely, no one will enter into the agreement only to be sadly disappointed, uncomfortable or otherwise compromised.

Oh, I would DEFINITELY be very clear with my intentions! I would never lead a bmum on with false promises; that would be cruel. My father did that to me and my mother throughout my childhood, it's not something I want to emulate. That's why I'm learning everything I can and evaluating things now, so that there will be no confusion or disappointment when I'm actually ready to adopt. Up front all the way. Thanks for you input.

Originally Posted by happygmom

That said, people should not be critisized for their choice of openess as long as the are honest about what they want. By no means should you attempt to match with an expectant parent who wants a very open adoption and you are not comfortable with that. It is a recipe for hurt for both sides and will hurt the child down the road. When my daughter was pregnant, we had a very bad experience with a couple that seemed perfect to her and said that they wanted a very open adoption. But then they started negotiating for "no contact", and we were told that contact was not normal and that we were being "too demanding". And guess who was the "bad guy" when my daughter said no? Yup, her - another "flaky" bmom who can't seem to make up her mind.

As I said to Jenna, I will be absolutely honest and up front about my intentions. I would not want to cause disappointment or hurt feelings in anyone, that would be awful. I'm sorry those people treated your daughter with such disrespect, that's terrible. I hope you all found a better offer.

Originally Posted by happygmom

I admire you for doing research and coming to terms with what your feelings are. I am sure you will find a happy match.

Thank you very much, I try. I appreciate your comments.

Originally Posted by FH-LisaCA

start with your minimum comfort level. if something else is going to happen, it will naturally happen. don't push something you're not comfortable with, but take the time to find out your comfort level. so many times we're in a hurry to adopt, but taking a month or whatever to think it thru, read a few books and make an informed decision, is worth that time!

That's what I'm doing. I'm reading and researching all areas, so that when it is actually time to commit to something, I'll make a decision with all the necessary knowledge. I've got a very long pro and con list for each type of adoption going right now. Everything is being considered.

Originally Posted by FH-LisaCA

just make sure you know to the best of your abilities, what your minimum comfort level is. then you can be matched with someone who has the same. Sometimes like in our case bfamilies initially want less contact then afamilies, but that can change on both parts.

I know there are some that are not so interested in the type of open adoption that we have and that's just fine. I think it's knowing where your comfort level is that determines whether a match will work for the long-term. Hey, I'm stressed taking dd to any visits once a month! we don't even see my sis that often and she lives 2 hrs a way, lol. do what's comfortable for you but take the time to determine what that is.

I think it's wonderful that both of your families arrived at a place that suits everyone. Whilst it may not work for every person, it's ideal for you and that's what matters. I'm setting up hypothetical situations in my mind, asking myself how I'd handle this or that, and I'm forming a vague image of what my expectations are and what a child will require. Definitely a lot to consider. Thanks for your time!

Originally Posted by blessedbybug

Whew... got long winded... sorry... it really is a matter of knowing yourself, what you are willing to be a part of and then making it work. I think it is such a personal decision and I would never criticize someone for wanting something different. Just be upfront about it. An open relationship is not always easy, not always rosy. But it is what we are committed to and it means alot to all of us. YOu have to find out what your bottom line is...what you can live with. THen, go from there. You might surprise yourself.

Best of everything to you as you explore your options...

That is quite a story you have, thank you for sharing it with me! Exploring my options is what I'm doing. "Leave no stone unturned" that's me. By the time I'm through, I should be an expert, lol! But I well know how quickly things can change. I think what I've discovered is that I was apprehensive about how to approach the bmum. Like another poster said earlier, would she be co-parenting? Or judge how well I was doing? Something like that.

Anyway, there's time enough to find a solution that fits all before entering into a commitment. I appreciate your marriage analogy, that was a good one. Thank you! As you said, I'll find an arrangement best for all. I'm nothing if not a problem solver.

Again, thanks to all! Hearing everyone's stories helps my uneasy feelings. I hope I'm being clear enough about the areas I feel uncomfortable so that I can find a solution. Question: What has all of your relationships with your adoptive/birth families been like through open, semi-open and closed adoptions? If you don't mind sharing, that is. Both birthmum and amum points of view would be welcomed. Trying to get perspectives on all sides.

One off topic question: What on earth do "DH," "DS" and "DD" stand for? I understand they imply husband, daughter, etc, but what's the exact meaning? I finally figured out PM, but only because it's at the top of my login screen.