[blessedbybug]

I must echo the responses that say not to enter into an open commitment with a birth family if it is more than you want. I really do think that is the struggle that you see in many of the posts here... people feeling that there isn't a commitment to the initial agreement.

You can only do what you are comfortable with...that is your reality and in the end, it will be best for all involved as fewer promises will be broken if all expectations regarding your relationship are up front.

That said, I have to comment you for taking the time and energy to think this through before entering into an adoption situation. Like you, DH and I were very leary of open adoption in the beginning, when we started considering adoption as an option. As we went through the various scenarios of how our family would be built, all of them fell away for one reason or another, except a domestic adoption of a newborn. And it really scared us because in our province, there is not such thing as closed adoption, except for in specific instances when the welfare/safety of the child/families are at stake.

What that means is that all records are open and it it upto the adopting family and birth family to work through how "open" they want their relationship to be. We, like you, were concerned about how stable this would make our family.

But as time went on and we read about open adoption, as we became more educated through our agency workshops, and through discussions with other families formed through adoption as well as those families who had placed a child in an adopting family, well, it became more and more a possibility.

And here's a few ways of thinking that helped us understand at least a little of these kind of "extended" relationships that open adoption might bring.

First, I love my DH who is not biologically related to me. He was connected to his family alone for 43 years before we met (yeah, we're late bloomers, lol!). Would I limit contact with the people from whom he came because he was now MY husband. No... that wouldn't be the most loving thing, at least in my mind, for him. I suppose if I were to take this thinking far enough, I would say that I had the "right" to do that, since the marriage relationship trumps any biological bonds. But I wouldn't/couldn't take him away from people that are a part of who he is. Nor would I want to. In that case, in raising a child not biologically related to me, why would I do that to them? Why would I want to cut them off from the very people from whom they came? Would it be the right things to do? Of course, it might seem easier at times, not to have those relationships and the stress of them, but in the long run, we thought it would be worth the effort to be open about it.

Another reason... I have 19 amazing nieces and nephews (and another on the way, yahoo!). WIth each of them, I would be willing to give life or limb if need be to keep them safe and happy. I can't imagine the sadness and pain I would feel if I knew I could never see them again. And I'm "just" their aunt. It gave me a very tiny glimpse into the pain that a woman just giving birth might feel if she knew she would never see her child again, ever. I would never, ever say that I know how a birthmother feels, ever, but if I felt that for my nieces and nephews, what would a birthmother be feeling? Not only that, but I have a niece I've never met. Her first mother, my SIL, placed her in a closed adoption 25 years ago. That's the way it was done back then. And still, this many years later, the pain and sadness my SIL feels for not knowing her DD, much less whether or not her DD is alive and well, I feel so strongly that I wouldn't want to be even the slightest cause of someone's else's pain that way. Therefore, openness had to be a part of the equation.

Another thing... I've experienced the amazing love from being a part of families who have taken me in as one of their own. During my 20's I became "like a sister/cousin" to a huge family. I was single and they made me one of their "own" since I lived away from my family. Then later, in grad school, I lived with a family who I learned I have more in common with than many of my bio family. They are "extended" family to me. In other words, I really came to see that you can't have too many people to love you. I want that for my DD. She has lots of "pseudo" grandparents/aunts/uncles... she has my family, Hubby's family and she has her birth family, all who love her and want the best for her. Does it get any better than that?

And one last thing... I couldn't believe how my feelings solidified once we met and got to know Bug's first family. Although I would say we don't have lots in common when it comes to lifestyle/faith, etc. we have one thing in common... our love for our girl. To tell you the truth, we are the ones who beg for contact. It actually surprises me how much I wish I knew more, could be in more contact with them. I genuinely care about what happens to them, how they are doing. And I hope the relationship stays open and healthy for a lifetime.

Whew... got long winded... sorry... it really is a matter of knowing yourself, what you are willing to be a part of and then making it work. I think it is such a personal decision and I would never criticize someone for wanting something different. Just be upfront about it. An open relationship is not always easy, not always rosy. But it is what we are committed to and it means alot to all of us. YOu have to find out what your bottom line is...what you can live with. THen, go from there. You might surprise yourself.

Best of everything to you as you explore your options...