[Adee]

Thanks for the quick reply, I appreciate it.

Originally Posted by crick

I always recommend that you be open to all the possible options, and then in the end, you need to do what feels right for your family. Not every adoption is open and really the term OPEN is very broad. Each family and birth family decide what level of openness works for them. Some feel like part of each others families and do the vacations or a lot of visitations etc. Some do not. Some maybe visit once a year and exchange letters/pics. There are also semi open arrangements, where you might never visit, but the lines of communication remain open. Maybe you'll exchange 4 updates/pictures a year etc. Whatever the arrangement people make is because that arrangement works for them personally.

I just checked back over my original post and realised I never stated the most important factor : My comfort levels aside, I first and foremost want any child I adopt to feel secure and loved, growing up in the way most beneficial to him or her. In most cases, I believe it's more difficult to provide the above in closed adoptions, so I'm open to open adoption. (No pun intended.) Just not so far as to share cupboard space.

Thinking over everything (now that I'm more awake and have had a cuppa ), I think what I'm really wondering is: Is it possible to attain the level of contact best for us without hurting the bmum and making her feel rejected? I REALLY don't want that. I can't imagine how it would feel to give up my beloved dogs much less a child! Right now – since I'm trying to be very honest here – I'm alternating between feeling possessive over a son/daughter, then guilty when I realise that I'm the one taking the bmum's child away! Where do you find the middle ground? I hurt just thinking about the bmum.

Originally Posted by crick

I really believe that there are people all over the nation that fit each type of comfort level in how open or closed their adoption is. So learn all you can, take what you can get from the suggestions, and in the end, you do what you are comfortable with.

That has removed a shadow looming over my head, thank you. I think I'd heard too many "horror stories" about the BP's suddenly deciding they want their child back and I was capitalising on that.

Originally Posted by crick

I entered into a closed adoption because that was what I wanted. The thought of an open adoption terrified me, because at the time, I thought it meant "co-parenting" and I certainly did not want that. I've learned a lot since those early days though, and realize that I had been misinformed on a lot of things. I've learned that everyone makes the arrangement that works best for them and just because Sally has a completely open arrangement where they vacation once a year, does not mean that Joe does. etc. There are no set rules in this world of adoption.

Sounds just like my experience in the dog world – if you'll pardon the comparison. Now I really believe I was allowing others' concerns to colour my thoughts, because I do know that everyone has different comfort zones.

Originally Posted by crick

And one of the cons of closed adoptions (at least in my experience) is that I have a lot of questions about my kids' bfamily. I can't answer my 5 year old's question of what he was like as a baby. I can't confirm with my 8 year old dd that her blonde hair will stay blonde through out her life. I have very little medical information, and sometimes that really scares me. If I had contact with the bfamily, I could answer these questions. Does it mean that I'd want to vacation with them? No, not necessarily.

All true. The not knowing would also bother me, especially if a child were to innocently ask questions and my only answer was, 'I don't know.' That wouldn't be fair. There are pros and cons to both forms of adoption but the not knowing would be profoundly difficult. That's on my list of things to consider.

Originally Posted by crick

So again, learn what you can and don't be afraid to do what feels right for you and your family. I think it's very possible to enter into something doing what feels best for you while still respecting and honoring others, including the child. And you never know...you might change your mind at some point during the process so allow the door to remain open to possible changes.

Best of luck to you.
Crick

That's what I'm doing. I'm just trying to learn as much as I can so I make the right decision for all involved. Again, I appreciate your honesty.