[Jody M]

Hi mamabee and thanks so much for responding to my post! In the era I was adopted in the 1950's, adoptive parents did not have the resources or encouragement to share openly with the adoptees the truth/facts about their adoption, let alone their mixed emotions on adoption. The rule of the day seemed to be- let the past be the past.
Now there are wonderful resources for adoptive parents- many books on how to share with the adoptee and at what age- books found on adoptionshop.com or on Tapestry Books- an online adoption bookstore. Also there are wonderful adoptive parents groups, and adoption conferences and agencies even have helps. The Adoption Clearing House online has many wonderful fact sheets on adoption.
I would suggest providing a safe home environment for the adoptee to share their honest feelings. When I was young adoptive parents were supposed to make emphasis on how the child was chosen, special and focus on that- which was needed. But not all that is needed. When the adoptee, cognitively understands adoption more fully, they know that to be chosen or adopted- means there was a loss- or that someone had to make a decision for adoption. And that from the adoptee vantagepoint is a "sad story" even if they gained the most wonderful adoptive parents who are loving. There are always "teachable moments" when the adoptee may have some questions, or the adoptive parents feel nudged to talk about the birth family, adoption story. It is okay then to ask the child how they feel about adoption and acknowledge that the may have some sad feelings too. Because everyone told me I was chosen/special and was so lucky to be adopted and get such wonderful parents- I felt I would appear ungrateful or disloyal to express any sad feelings. These mixed feelings for adoptees are normal - but I felt guilty for feeling anything but "happiness" for others projected that adoption was all "happy"
Just being emotionally present for the child and allowing them to express and feel all their feelings without judgement is a HUGE gift to the adoptee. It will also bond your relationship more tightly for they feel they can share their "real" self and be safe and not judged. Parents, do not feel threatened if your child has mixed feelings about adoption- this is normal and they do not love you less- They will love you more, for allowing them a place to express, explore and come to resolution, acceptance of their adoptee status.
Thanks for listening! I know mamabee that you are a great parent and are listening and learning!
Blessings, Jody

PS. Attending adoption triad support groups is a bonus, listening to adult adoptees share their adoption experiences growing up. They love to answer questions on how to raise an adopted child.