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Ms. D:
My heart goes out to you as you move forward in your journey towards motherhood-and I hope you carry in your heart that belief that you will get to be a mother. I too, think you have great courage to stick with this thread. i think it shows how open and willing you are to explore the tough issues. Adoption is scary and hard and wonderful all at the same time. I am in the process right now, currently matched and waiting. I have had all of the feelings you have expressed at some point in the journey. I have been told all of the same things that you have been told. As for grief, it is for you to know and understand your own heart. No one can tell you how or when to grieve. We lost a son to triploidy and I will always grieve him, however, I know that I will have more than enough love for the baby that our potential birthmother is carrying if I am blessed to be his mommy. As for openenness, I just wanted to add that like an expectant mother who has to re-make the decision to choose adoption at birth, you may not be able to make the decision on openness till you have meet an expectant parent. I never thought that I would want openness. It scared me. I was terrified of it. All of that changed when I met our potential birthmother. There was a natural progression of honesty, trust, and love that has grown between the two of us. Now, I can't quite imagine my life without her. However, I would never assume that what works for me or for her works for anyone else. I just wanted to say that I can appreciate your feelings as I have had them myself. I think that sometimes it is easy to get frustrated, scared, or even angry because we feel so much of the process is out of our control, many of us can't give birth, we have to wait to be chosen, we have to worry that the match will fail. These things are very hard. And being frustrated or scared by them does not mean we don't respect or value the expectants woman's right to make those choices. I think it is sometimes normal in the beginning to project those feelings of frustration onto the birthmother. We may feel they have all the power and we may resent that. I think I did at first, but once I got to really know the expectant women I met in our search, and got to share in the live of our potential birthmother by our weekly phone calls and our visit. I started to see that it was not about power and control at all. It was about mutual need and want and love. It was then that I really knew this process was for us and the resentment vanished. As you go farther into the process, I'm sure your feelings with change and shift regarding all these issues. It is just the nature of the journey. Just remember though that you do have a choice. You are not powerless. That is the beauty of the adoption triad. No one is suppose to be powerless. It is suppose to and should be about a blending of everyone's needs, prodominently the childs. I hope you can remember and keep in your heart that the child that is meant to be yours forever is out there. All different types of people adopt and all different types of adoptions work. I have faith, just by your willingness to be so honest about what scares you, that you will find the right match for you. Good luck!
Peace,
Kelly
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