[Shoshana]

Dear Vicki:

First of all, I am very sorry you're having a tough time right now. I imagine that reading this thread is not going to be easy but, as you know, this is a topic near and dear to our hearts and it's a very emotional one. I hope what I say doesn't cause you more pain.

The purpose of adoption is to find the right family for a child, not to find a child for a family. The needs of the child must be paramount.

In general, I think deciding to stop an adoption that is in process is an ethical decision. No one should advocate that a family bring a child home unless that family can totally accept that child without reservation.

I think that the argument can be made that it would be problematic (yes, a euphemism) to STOP the process for child A (because it's taking too long) only to begin the process for child B. This violates the notion that adoption be about placing the needs of the child first.

It seems to me that it's very important that when one makes a commitment to adopt a child, that the commitment is made regardless of the difficulties that might be encountered, especially when those difficulties are surmountable.

I also think it sends a terrible message to the child that is already in the home. It can be tough for adoptive kids to understand how they came to be a member of their new family. What about their sister who almost was their sister, but then wasn't? I can see that this could be very difficult for a child to understand. And what about the child who is adopted later? Why her?

Please, consider finding a good therapist to help you cope with this situation. Truly, I wish you peace.