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Just to add my two cents really quickly...my birthmother was contacted initially by an intermediary (the Salvation Army, via Booth Records Service) and did not want contact, though I was told she was not angry. At that time I did not know her name or where she was because SA would not give me that information. I rolled the dice and decided to contact her on my own - very risky, I realize. I sent her a letter with no response. I decided to look for her sister (my aunt) who the SA told me had been very supportive during her pregnancy, and by an absolute miracle, found her, called her on the phone, and had an overwhelmingly positive response. She had no idea I had been trying to contact my birthmother for the last two years. She was able to act as an intermediary between my birthmother and I until she was ready to come around. Now my birthmother and I are extremely close with daily contact via phone or email even though she lives across the country. We have even had 4 face to face meetings already.
Interestingly enough, what was holding my birthmother back in fear was my parents. She didn't know if I had "permission" from them to search (which I did). She felt that she had made an agreement with my parents to butt out of my life forever and didn't have a right to interfere. The letter I sent directly to her that she didn't respond to was similar to others that have been described here (sounded very sane, not too long, asking for medical information, telling her I was sorry if I had shocked her or if she felt cornered, etc.) She took it as if she was merely an idle curiosity and didn't think I wanted to pursue any kind of lasting relationship and she couldn't handle the idea of that either. Kind of a different perspective, but something to think about as far as what kinds of emotions might possibly be running thorough her head.
Regardless, best of luck to all of you "in waiting". I know very well what that feels like...it's awful...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But miracles can happen. I searched for 17 years and then waited for 2 more once I had "found". Those 2 years felt like 50 years. But it was more than worth the wait in my case.
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